Why am I talking about breakups during this cheery ‘all is well’ time of the year? The pressure of Christmas and the increase in spending time with loved ones can go one or two ways and well, some couples survive just as badly as Glenn from The Walking Dead – too soon?
For many people, Christmas and the period leading up to the New Year is a time to reflect and think about fresh starts and therefore a lot of people get their sorry asses dumped.
So if you find yourself crying into some Kleenex this Christmas and watching the Notebook instead of Elf then here is what you have to do to get through the heartbreak:
Listen to Adele or Taylor Swift or both
Stick on their music, feel the feels and just cry like a baby. It sounds silly to do something that will make you cry but in all honesty, you need to flush it out of your system.
Change your bed sheets
Do you really want to carry on lying on his cum and sweat? Didn’t think so – change those sheets. Actually fuck that, throw them in the bin and buy fresh bedding. Set them on fire if you must.
Go on a 30-day ex-cleanse
Screw diets and detox tea right now you’re allowed some time to wallow in chocolate and fall asleep clutching a tub of Ben and Jerry’s but for the love of God do not text/message/contact your ex for at least 30 days. Set yourself a detox challenge – you can't move on if you’re still in contact with him/her.
Unfollow/hide your ex from social media
Following on from the last post you don’t need constant reminders of what they’re doing popping up every time you check your social media. If you’re real ballsy delete the ex or if you want to be able to spy on him a year down the line just ‘hide’ his posts.
Try out a new look
Dye your hair, splash out on new makeup at a fancy makeup counter, clear out your wardrobe, buy new clothes, change your bedroom around, redecorate – changing something can help you think of the breakup like a fresh start and it allows you to rediscover yourself. Also, you feel like a brand new woman and who doesn’t want to feel like a fox?
Post a to die for selfie
Just do it. Make him drool and fill him with regret.
Go clubbing and slut drop like you’ve never slut dropped before
You’re single now and one of the best things about being single is being able to do the deed with different people. So go clubbing, slut drop to your heart's content and ‘get dat dick’ as me and my friends would say.
Go on a trip. Jump on a plane, go on a road trip, book a hotel for the night in the town next door. Just do something to get away from your surroundings. It’s a family joke now that when I get dumped I run away to my auntie’s in the countryside for a week. I’ve done it three times now and three heart breaks later I’m still running to the countryside.
Lose yourself in a good book
It’s nice to escape reality during a breakup and a cracking book is the best way to do this in my opinion. Avoid romance novels and perhaps go for something like a thriller. Stephen King is always there for me when I’m heartbroken.
Don’t forget to analyse the breakup
This is the most important step. The relationship ended for a reason and even if you were the one who got dumped you need to remember that. Keep reminding yourself about why it didn’t work out and focus on that. If you cry over the happy memories for the rest of your life you will never move on.
I’m actually hoping no one clicks on this because they’ve been dumped over Christmas, that’s a dick move but ladies if you’ve been dumped and your heartbroken and live in the UK I’ll buy you a cocktail and slut drop with you.