How to have a successful and stress free threesome

A threesome has always been on my bucket list. I knew before I died I wanted to try one out and well, I’ve ticked that box and can be buried happily one day now.

They can be a crowd but if done right, there is plenty to go around for all.

I felt awkward as f*ck during my first threesome. I didn’t have a Scooby Doo what I was doing, I felt like a virgin all over again. There was a bit of alcohol involved, it wasn’t planned, and it just kind of, happened. Looking back that was probably the best way for it to happen because I felt relaxed and comfortable. 

During my second threesome, I knew what I was doing and felt like I was in a porn film - another tick off the old bucket list. 

You may be wondering, ‘why on earth would you share this with the internet?’ Well, I’ll tell you why. I created VavaViolet because I wanted a place where women can let their hair down and just be themselves. I wanted somewhere online where we didn’t have to worry about being slut shamed, we could have a giggle, share advice and stories, so that’s what I’m doing. You may think ‘slut’ but at least I have balls.

Anyway, back to my juicy story. 

The first time didn’t go down as I had planned in my head. I imagined I’d be looking sexy as f*ck, full on lingerie, hair curled, makeup flawless, but no, I looked like a lion on crack. Myself and a group of friends were playing a game where if you got the question wrong you had to take off an item of clothing and take a swig of your drink. I don't have to spell it out to you, you know how the game ended.

The second time around about half a year later happened once again on a drunken night out. It started off as just me and a guy and well, a third person joined in. It happened naturally and again wasn't planned. The best things that happen are spontaneous right? 

The most common thing I get asked is ‘isn't three a crowd?’ It easily can be but sometimes the more the merrier couldn't be more accurate. These are my tips to have a successful threesome that won't hurt anyone's feelings, leave anybody out, or put you in an uncomfortable/dangerous position. 

Don’t do it with someone you have feelings for. Even if you only have a tiny amount of feelings for them seeing someone you like getting their back door slammed by someone else isn’t ideal. But to be honest, I wouldn't know that. I've never had a threesome with someone that I love. My only advice is, sometimes you don't realise how much you love someone until you see them with somebody else.

Don’t have one just to impress a potential partner, a boyfriend, a crush, or don’t do it just to please their needs. Only have a threesome if you actually want to have one.

Don’t do it with two strangers for your first time. The first threesome you have you will most likely already feel nervous so doing it with two complete strangers that don’t know you will make you feel even more uncomfortable. I recommend doing it with acquaintances or even your friends. As long as you know it won't affect your friendship which for me luckily it hasn't changed my friendships what so ever. But you want to feel safe, I really can't lay this down enough. Especially if you're having a threesome with two guys, you need to know their intentions. 

Don’t consume so much alcohol that you can't remember your name. Like all sex acts, consent is the most important factor and if you're so pissed that you can't even function you're no longer giving consent. There is nothing wrong with having a drink or two (or whatever your limit is) so you can have more confidence but be sensible. 

Being spontaneous is sexy and all but you need to all be on the same page, you need to have the ‘threesome talk’. Who likes what, declare the fact you hate your arse being fingered, you know, make it clear the sexual things you despise and love. It will be much more enjoyable if you do. 

Do research. Watch porn, threesomes in films read about them, however, you feel most comfortable doing your homework. For me personally, I watched porn to gather some ‘ideas and inspiration’. I wanted to see what positions were best, what I could do to please a woman or two people at once. It made me feel really confident when it came to doing it in the flesh because I just went with what I had learned from James Deen. The last thing you want to happen is to stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do.

Toys aren't just for kids. Keep sex toys near by, they help to keep everyone engaged and eliminate that third wheeler feeling bored. 

Finding a third person can be like finding a needle in a hay stack. If you're having a planned threesome it does take time to find a third person. Would I recommend Tinder? Hell no. Just ask your friends, that's what I do.

Do be prepared. Mints, Fem Fresh spray, the kitchen sink, have it all there for when you've done the deed.

Have a safe word, and think of an excuse before hand for a reason you have to leave if it goes tits up or you just want to get out of that situation. For example, because I'd had a few drinks the first time I thought to myself before hand ‘If I want to leave the threesome because I'm not enjoying it or feel awkward I’ll tell them I'm about to be sick and run to the bathroom’. I'd been drinking so it was plausible but it's best to prepare a lie so you can get out of that situation if you want to. A safe word is also wise, something random like ‘cola’ that you all know to shout if somebody wants to stop. 

Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief Sophie Blackman.

How to flatter your body type just by what you wear

Our Fashion Editor has done all your hard work for you and researched what looks will flatter your body the most - no matter what size your clothes labels are!
As a fashion writer, I would encourage people to wear whatever they like, first and foremost. I would discourage following fashion trends and other people’s opinions. Knowing your body, and what works for your shape and style is one of the most important things a girl (and guys) can know. You know what looks good on you, whether it’s a specific colour, or a certain cut, you know your body better than anyone. 
I know that everybody is different, however, I also know that sometimes we struggle to know what works for us. This includes me. Every day I’m still learning what suits my body and how new shapes and styles can help flatter my figure. That is why I decided to talk about body types, and tips and tricks on why specific cuts and styles work for certain body shapes. 
 Often, it’s so hard to know what body shape you’ve got, and often the names can make it confusing, so let’s break it down. Fashion made easy!

There are four main body types which are used within the fashion industry. These are; hourglass, apple, pear and banana.
Are you curvy with a small waist? Then you’ve probably got an hourglass figure. 
 One tip I would 100% stick by, is emphasising your waist. Belts should be your best friend, synching yourself in and highlighting that killer waist will emphasise your curves and create a look to die for. Don’t hide behind baggy clothes that are loose and shapeless, show off that bod! 
Wide legged trousers and crop tops are the items for you. By wearing wide legged trousers, you will automatically look taller, and the proportions of your body will be balanced out. Pairing these with a crop top, again allows your small waist to be emphasised, and creates a killer outfit ready for any occasion.
Do you have slim legs and thighs, but carry weight around your middle? The body type you most relate to is apple.
 The part of your body which you want to emphasise is your shoulders and legs, to balance out the mid-section of your figure. 
Circle skirts and slim legged, cigarette trousers should be your go to when it comes to killer outfits. The volume in the circle skirt helps to draw the attention to your hips and legs. You should avoid high waisted garments, such as skirts or trousers, low rise items will be the best thing for your body type. 
Is the widest part of your body around your hips? Then you’re most likely to be a pear shape. 
To balance the bottom half of your body, when you’re dressing you should consider emphasising the top half of your body to create a balance between the two. Concentration on the width of your shoulders is key! 
A jacket which is extremely structured, paired with an A-line skirt will create a killer outfit for you to slay the night away. A possible leather jacket with lightly padded shoulder would help to balance out your hips and thighs, and create a cool rock star look at the same time.
Do you lack in curves and have a body which is almost identical in width all the way down? You’ve probably got what’s known as a banana body type, or more commonly ‘straight’. 
Much like the hourglass figure, you should wear clothing which emphasises the waist, however, the aim of the banana body shape is to create a waist for the person wearing the clothes. 
My top tip for those of you with this body shape would be to wear block colours within your outfit. This will help to define the shape of your body.
 Some items of clothing which will look amazing on your figure are trousers with a slight flare, they will help to create some shape to your body. Scooped necks are amazing for your figure, accentuated with a statement necklace, you are set for a night on the town, looking a million dollars.
No matter what your body shape, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable and happy in your own body. These are just some hints and tips of what will suit your body shape, but if you like something, wear it, and wear it with confidence!

Written by VavaViolet's Fashion Editor Libby Burgess.

VavaViolet's Health & Fitness Editor reveals the truth behind the biggest gym myths

Carbs won’t kill you, weights won’t make you look like The Hulk, supplements are bullsh*t. VavaViolet’s Health and Fitness Editor reveals some home truths about getting fit.

1. Carbs are bad for you. If you want to lose weight, you have to cut out foods like bread, pasta and rice.
In order to lose weight, you must use more calories than you eat. Regardless of whether these calories come from carbohydrates, protein or fats, if you are in a calorie deficit you will lose weight. However, it is important to get a good balance from all sources in order to get the right nutrients for your body. If you were to get all your energy from sugary foods, you’ll only end up having a sugar crash.

2. You can eat as much fruit as you like because it’s healthy.
A lot of fruits are fairly high in carbs. If you’re trying to watch your carbohydrate intake, watch your consumption of fruits such as pineapple, mango, grapes and apples, and try opting for lower sugar fruits like berries, kiwis or tangerines. Checking labels and serving sizes might leave you surprised at the content of some foods you believe to be “good” for you.

3. Carbs (yes, our friend carbs... again) are only found in bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.
You can find carbs in many foods. Fruit, as stated above, dairy products such as ice cream, milk and yoghurt, grains such as bread, cereal and rice cakes, legumes such as chickpeas, beans and peas, and sugary products such as sweets and sauces.

4. You need to go to the gym to do exercise.
In all honesty, not having a gym membership is a pretty poor excuse for not exercising. You could go for runs, walks, bike rides or even do some gardening to get your cardio done. If you go on YouTube you can find endless home workout videos! They use equipment that is easily accessible to most, from dumbbells to towels, washing baskets to chairs, or even your pet dog! Check out @chessiekingg, @healthychefsteph and @gracefituk on both Instagram and YouTube for some killer home workout routines.

5. Weights will make you look “bulky” or “manly”.
If I had pound for every time I heard this I’d probably be sitting on my private jet, dripping in diamonds whilst being spoon-fed world’s best New York cheesecake. Unfortunately, I’m not. Instead, I’m sitting on my sofa in my dressing gown (which was probably due a wash sometime ago), hoping that if I ignore the dirty dishes in the sink for long enough, they might just disappear to the same place all of my socks seem to. ANYWAY... weights. They will not turn you into a bodybuilder. Firstly, women do not have the same hormones as men to be able to gain as much muscle as some men have. Secondly, for those that are able to build a large amount of muscle, it takes years of training, coaching and a very high-calorie intake to achieve. Picking up an 8kg dumbbell will not turn you into The Hulk overnight!

6. I need to lift lighter weights at high reps to get toned.
Muscles don’t actually get more “toned”, they just become more defined as they grow and the layer of fat covering them gradually decreases. By using light weights there is no real effort on your muscles, meaning that there’s likely to be very little to no change in both your strength and appearance. If you want to see your shape change, don’t be afraid of the heavier weights. You’ll thank me for it.

7. If you go to the gym, you can eat whatever you want.
You absolutely can. Even if you don’t go to the gym you can eat whatever the hell you want! However, if you have goals you’re looking to achieve, bad food choices can ruin your gym efforts. Not only can making bad choices cause your efforts to undo, it can also have an effect on your overall mood and motivation. It’s OK to have treats in moderation, but if you’re finding yourself at the drive-thru after most of your sessions, you’re probably doing it wrong.

8. You have to start working out when you’re young.
Says who? Regardless of what age you begin exercising there are going to be health benefits. Just because you can’t jump as high or get as low as some of the younger generation, it doesn’t mean that what you do isn’t equally effective. Whether you’re stepping up onto a Reebok step or leaping onto a 1-metre high box, if you’re making an effort it will make a difference.

9. To make progress you need to take supplements.
“But so and so lost all this weight by having shakes and taking fat-burners”... Correction, they lost all that weight by being in a calorie deficit and are now being paid by a company to promote their products to their impressionable, and most likely, young following. There is no magic pill to give you your dream body. You know what works really well though? Eating good and working out! Can you believe it?!

10. If your muscles aren’t sore, you aren’t working hard enough.
You shouldn’t use the soreness of your muscles as an indicator of how hard you’ve worked. If you’re a newbie to weightlifting, it’s likely that you will experience some DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) because your muscles are being challenged in a new way. As long as you are making an effort and struggling with the last couple of reps of your set, gains will definitely be made! Don’t forget, just because your workout partner is sore and you’re not, it doesn’t mean you worked any less hard.

Written by VavaViolet’s Health and Fitness Editor Zhane Alexander. Follow her fitness journey on Instagram @zeefit95

Single mum shares every juicy detail of her affair

The grass isn’t always greener. I heard that saying a lot three years ago after an affair started at work and I decided that it was the real thing and I was going to tell my husband. 

In actual fact, I told my husband because the bloke I was having the affair with decided to leave a card I had given him in his bag and his girlfriend found it and threatened to turn up on my doorstep.  That was his story though, looking back now and even at the time, I didn’t know if I was being backed into a corner and felt the only way out was to tell my husband and start a new life. 

I was 37, I’d been married for nearly 14 years, though we’d been together for 20 with two children, a daughter 13 and a son who was 11. One day I didn’t go into work and texted my husband to say I was home and when he got in there was something we needed to discuss. He knew instantly what I was going to say as clearly my body language during the previous months had proved that I was no longer the same person. 

I lived a life where in the day I would be swooned and romance was top of the list and come home to a life where that had never ever happened.  

I can still remember my husband walking through the door from work as I made my way down the stairs and as his face filled with anger things turned ugly very quickly and for someone who was generally the softest least violent person, he firstly hit out and then grabbed me around the throat. People tell you that no one should ever hit a woman and they shouldn’t but you never know how we will each react and even to this day I make excuses for his behaviour. 

We talked, he begged and he wanted me to stay. I wasn’t 100% about the decision I was making but in a way, I didn’t see a way back from this. I had spent over half my life with this man, my husband, my best friend, I felt a sense of responsibility for him which also has a negative effect and another reason I was leaving was because I felt more like his mother. I took care of all the finances, shopping, cars etc, anything remotely where you had to engage with other people and he never ever once made the effort or said ‘I’ll do that, save you a job’. I just felt like I was taken for granted.  

We tried for a while to work things out and I remember coming home one day to petals on the bed and on the huge mirror in our bedroom he’d wrote how he loved me and all the reasons why with one of my eyeliners. Sweet you might think but my first response was to cry as he’d made the effort but it was all so false and forced, secondly he’d used one of my eyeliners. They’re not cheap and he’d scribbled on the mirror with it. 

Every time he got drunk everything was thrown back in my face and again on one occasion he had threatened me to the point I had to leave the house. I knew he’d never hurt the kids but after finding somewhere safe to stay I got a text from my daughter telling me that their dad had sat them down and was trying to make them choose who they wanted to live with. My daughter refused to answer. 

The following morning I returned to find my clothes in bags all along the path and all my belongings packed up. Again it got very messy and we couldn’t go on so I decided to move into the garage conversion until we sold the house. The kids had decided that my daughter would live with me and my son with him. The house sold instantly and I remained in the garage conversion for the next three months waiting for it all to go through. I continued to live with a very bitter husband and suffered verbal abuse beyond belief and made to feel like a prisoner in my own home. By the time I got in from work each night he would have already made dinner for himself and the kids and they would all be sat down eating at the table. Whenever I stepped out of the room another barrage of abuse. For three months my staple diet was wine and crisps but on the up side, I lost over a stone in weight.  

Moving out day was another experience. One of my best friends and her partner came to help with a big van, I basically said he could keep most stuff and really did take the bare minimum, everyone always said to me you should have taken more but you get to a point where it really doesn’t matter. As I went to leave there was more abuse and as I got in my car my friend turned to me in shock and said ‘if that is what you have been living with for the past three months I’m so sorry because I would have got you out of there sooner’.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger though right?

Life moved on and we each had our own houses. The abuse continued and I felt worthless and scared, each time his name would come up on my phone my hands would shake uncontrollably. I knew it would be like this until he found someone and even then it still went on and sadly every occasion he could he used the kids to spite me and they became the real victims in all of this. 

From then my daughter was living with me and I would see my son every other weekend.  It broke my heart and every other Sunday I would come back from dropping him off and cry my heart out and still do even now because the man I sacrificed everything for, well it didn’t work out did it…

I met the man that I’d cheated on my husband with at work. We had an instant connection and I just can’t explain but it took over me and every thought I had. It wasn’t love at first sight because in reality, he wasn’t that good looking, originally I thought he was around my age, possibly a few years younger so imagine my surprise when I find out he’s 12 years younger and I am officially a cougar. The chemistry between us was something special and he talked a good game. He was everything my husband wasn’t. Sex was good… though not the first time as let’s just say nerves got the better of him. After the whole experience (or lack of it) which was before work I can just remember sitting looking at him across the office thinking how the hell do you ask someone if this is a regular thing and of all the bloody men I’ve chosen the one who can’t get it up! From that point on though things improved and we went on weekends away, romantic dinners, surprises, flowers, all the things a girl dreams of happened.  

I didn’t introduce him to the kids straight away as I didn’t want to rush anything though my daughter was so laid back with the whole thing and actually keen to meet him, my son, on the other hand, had my ex in his ear and was less willing. After a few months passed he had dinner and spent the evening at our house and got on with my daughter like a house on fire. He eventually met my son and once the initial apprehension was dealt with they got on well and things were good. He moved in after a year of me being in my new house and we started planning a future together. 

I was always very wary. He was 26 years old and to take on someone else’s family is a big step but he said he knew exactly what he was getting himself into and I had to trust him and hope to god that he meant it as my kids had been dragged through enough hurt.  

We went on holiday together just the two of us and people thought we were on our honeymoon. Life was great, that part of life was great. The following year we did a family holiday which was a little more gruelling as you’re trying to please everyone but again we had a good time. Weekends would be spent sorting the house out, going out for lunch/dinner and snuggled on the sofa chatting sh*t and watching TV.  

The longer it went on the needier he got and if I didn’t reply to texts within ten minutes he’d be asking what I was doing or if I was okay. After two years and a half of being together, cracks were showing. If I went upstairs and his music was on I’d turn it off, it was rock but to my ears, it was just noise. He’d sit playing Xbox, shooting people and I didn’t get it. He had zero friends as he lost them all when he split from his girlfriend and apart from him playing cricket (between April and August) where he would disappear for many hours on a Saturday afternoon I was just feeling massively claustrophobic. Despite this, he put me on a pedestal, told me that me and the kids meant the world to him and when I looked at him I believed it all but for me there was always that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that it was good now but could it last. In reality I was 38, he was 26, he wanted marriage, I wasn’t divorced, he said he didn’t want children but this was a massive factor for me as I was pretty sure I didn’t want any more and although he was saying he didn’t want them now, he could turn around in at least another 10-15 years 20 even and still have that option by that time I’m not over the hill, I’m down the bottom.  

Age difference is a weird thing and I think it’s easier when you have it the opposite way round but when you’re a women trying to compete with girls who are ten years younger than you who have no wrinkles, generally no fat, pert boobs, pert bums and don’t leak a bit of water after having a bath it’s impossible. And that for me was my downfall, I compared myself to everyone, I never felt confident and felt like I was always in some kind of competition.  

It wasn’t helped by the fact that I knew he’d cheated on his previous girlfriend once at a work Christmas party because of some pathetic excuse about his dad being in the hospital and his girlfriend wasn’t giving him the support he needed and he felt vulnerable. So if that’s all it takes then that alone raises alarm bells. 

The down slope for us began when all these doubts sat in the back of my head and wouldn’t go away. I’d convinced myself he could do better with someone younger that could give him the perfect life he was after and I knew I couldn’t give that. A few more nails in the coffin developed after we decided to get a puppy together and the little time and attention I had for him were then dedicated to this cute, adorable bundle of fluff and fun that was now occupying my house.

I was knackered from getting up early and walking him. I’d walk him at night too and anytime that we would have previously had together was now interrupted by a puppy coming in between us. We argued over the way we would train it and different views on how he would be treated. The puppy ultimately let us see that the small cracks had now become massive holes. 

The final nail came when it was Christmas party time again and the usual text happy partner went AWOL all night and got in at 3am to a please leave my house, I don’t trust you. 
The rest is history really, from what I hear he’s tried to sleep his way around the office. 

I am a big believer in fate and everything happens for a reason. My relationship with my ex-husband is now on a decent level because he no longer has to see the man that broke up his marriage and if I could go back and change things the only reason I would is so I can be with my son. I ultimately chose a man who said and did all the rights things and I sadly believed we had a future. I don’t think he’ll ever understand what I gave up to be with him and I hope that when he’s at the same point in his life that I was he’ll then realise what I sacrificed and I hope be a little bit remorseful. I doubt it though.  

I’m now seven months down the line and have well and truly got used to life on my own. I struggled to start with but now fill my weekends with appointments with friends, have a dog that to start with every time I looked at reminded me of bad times but he’s got me through. The kids have bounced back now but my daughter has had major issues and needed counselling as she was self-harming. She’s seen the people she loves the most destroying each other, all in the name of love. 

Being single hasn’t stopped me doing anything and if anything it makes me more determined to enjoy life as nothing is ever guaranteed.

Is the grass greener? It depends on what colour glasses you’re looking though.

Written by Vikki Hayes.
Follow Vikki on Twitter @VikkiHayes78 

In this 
article all opinions, experiences and views are Vikki's and not of VavaViolet's team. 
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