Boring sex is the equivalent of your tea going cold, heartbreak, not getting what you want at Christmas, no good food in the fridge, basically everything bad that could ever happen to you. I wouldn't wish terrible sex on my worst enemy.
Since the day I lost my virginity these are genuine thoughts that have gone through my head while having awful sex.
1. If I can hear the neighbour’s, can they hear me not screaming in pleasure?
2. I can’t remember if I fed the dogs or not.
3. Why does my hip ache?
4. I could be doing something so much more productive right now.
5. I am so going to blog about this experience.
6. Why does my back hurt?
7. Quick make a fake moan so he feels like a sex God.
8. Stop leaning on my bloody hair.
9. Why is he bending my leg like that do I look like a slinky dog?
10. Do another fake moan.
11. Maybe if I call him the wrong name he’ll stop.
12. Why is he grinning like that?
13. Stop thinking about your ex.
14. When did I last make a fake orgasm noise?
15. God I shouldn’t have eaten all that food before doing this.
16. Can you just cum already.
17. Pull a sexy face and he might cum.
18. Okay, that was not sexy at all.
19. Oh god he’s doing that grin again.
20. Fake moan, fake moan.
21. I don’t know if these moans sound natural or not.
22. I need a cigarette can you just hurry up.
23. What is that black mark on my ceiling?
24. Perhaps I should flip myself into doggy so that he can’t see my uninterested face.
25. I just want a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Get off me.
26. Did he just grunt?
27. It’s not even over yet and already this is a massive regret.
28. I can’t wait to tell the girls this in the group chat.
29. They’re all going to laugh at my pain and torment.
30. Did he seriously just cum inside me?
I'm dying to know what thoughts have gone through your heads! Comment down below and tell me or tweet me at @JournalistSoph