Friday, 16 June 2017

10 things women hate about seeing a new penis

Being a young woman surrounded by horny friends in their twenties the topic of sex is talked about 98.5% of the time - women tell each other every gritty little detail. Speaking with the girls we often talk about what we look for in a guy, our relationship issues and the new hot guy you bumped into at work, uni, Tesco, wherever. However, we often discuss the more intimate topics which have led to this mini-series ‘The problems with….’, where we will chit chat about the problems with willies, balls, men in general and so much more. 

One girl said to me, ‘Dicks are naturally problematic’, so I feel like that is a good place to start.

Here are the top 10 problems that come with experiencing a new penis:

Shrinkage – You get in the shower ready for a steamy session and look down to discover that the sausage that you thought would be an extra large with buns on the side is actually something almost half the size, that looks like a dried hairy raisin.

Hair – Nothing worse than going down to meet the new penis and being greeted by a bush that hasn’t seen a razor in over a month, I mean whatever floats your boat, but I am not a fan of flossing my teeth while I blow.

The talk – Nothing beats when a guy talks about the fully grown anaconda he’s got in his Calvins and you get slightly excited - but approach with caution! What you are faced with is merely no more than an inch of disappointment. You can't lie to a woman, we all secretly work for MI5.

The smell – FORTUNATELY never encountered this but hygiene come on, even with a big boy bravado there is no excuse for it to smell, supermarket basics are less than a pound.

Bent – We like to bend over and break our backs during sex, but when the dick is bent to the point where it’s somewhere around the corner, this could be an issue. I mean don’t get it twisted a bent penis can be ok, I mean I guess you last longer if the cum has a corner to turn.

Balls – Two is preferable, please. No one wants to see one big ball with no divide but equally no one wants to see balls hanging on either side of the Pacific.

Balls continue – To me these are just hairy nuggets of reproduction but there are other issues to consider, do they hang unexpectedly low or are they right up in there? Are they big like boulders or small like walnuts?

Girth – Is it really thick though? Has it actually got girth or is it simply giving the old school optical illusion it is because it is shorter.

Length – Objects in the mirror may be larger than they appear… or not. Don’t be fooled, girls just remember if you can find the right angle to hide your double chin you bet he has spent time looking to find the best angle for his boy.

Let it all hang out – Why is it that boys choose to wear the tightest jeans and then when the outline of the aubergine is on full display and your eyes wander, they get all uptight. It is the age old argument of if you’ve got it flaunt it.

So there it is, what we consider the top 10 but what do you guys think?

Written by VavaViolet's Managing Editor Jessica Murray.



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