Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Sexpectations: The thoughts we have before sleeping with a crush

Before sleeping with a crush there are a number of thoughts that come to mind in the words of Kevin Hart ‘It’s about to go down’. You’ve made it, you have reached that pivotal point and there is no going back. So here are 10 common thoughts that pop into our heads before letting the shag commence.

  1. Is this really going to be as good as I think in my head - You’ve thought about it… more than once, dreamt it, felt it, but there is that niggling feeling in the back of your head that thinks is it really going to be as good as you hope. Is it going to be the longest most intense shag of your life like you’ve played it up to be or is it going to be a 30-second jobby with no orgasm.
  2. Please let the dick be good - I hope his pubes are trimmed, I wonder if it is clean. Wait what if it is tiny, shit it better be long. Oh god, I hope it is going to work, what if he can’t get it up? It better not be a quick shooter.
  3. What is his room like – Is it full of geeky Star Wars memorabilia, what if he is part of some satanic cult! Is he a single bed kind of guy, he doesn’t look like one but I don’t think I can deal with it.
  4. Knowing them but they don’t know you – Don’t slip up, he doesn’t need to know that you’ve been stalking him on twitter or Facebook, it isn’t necessary for you to ask if his great uncle had a good birthday or whether he enjoyed his trip to Bognor Regis in 2007.
  5. Are his family going to be home – What if the sex is good and you have to lie there silently with as much personality as a fence post because his nan is downstairs or his housemate is home? Do they know I am there or do I have to slip in the back door silently like a dirty little secret? What are the rules on knocking before entering, do people just walk in, because I don’t think his grandma is ready the see my bare arse in mid-air whilst her grandson is hitting it from the back!
  6. Foreplay – Is he into kinky shit like me? What if I am too much? Is he no foreplay kind of guy? Does he like lube? Oh shit, what if he likes to go in dry!
  7. Unwanted pet situation – Does he have pets? Are they allowed in the room? I am allergic to cats what if I get a rash and he thinks I am infected, but ultimately nothing is worse than Tigger the cat walking in and making eye contact with you when you’re mid f*cking!
  8. Self-doubt – this crept in a while ago but you’ve been too busy worrying about other things. Will I be able to perform under this pressure? I have been waiting too long for this moment to let myself down now! Will I deliver an A* performance so he wants to do this again?
  9. Is he going to be into the same things as me - In the words of Schmidt from 22 Jump Street, "We're talking missionary, we're talking missionary, we're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back.'' We are not going to get along if this is all you want to do babe let’s be honest!
  10. Afterwards – what if it is awkward? Is he a guy that cries! (Holy shit I can’t do that again) Is he capable of round two? Is he going to buy you food (Keeper right there)?     

Written by VavaViolet's Managing Editor Jessica Murray. 

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