Sunday, 13 August 2017

Single mum shares every juicy detail of her affair

The grass isn’t always greener. I heard that saying a lot three years ago after an affair started at work and I decided that it was the real thing and I was going to tell my husband. 

In actual fact, I told my husband because the bloke I was having the affair with decided to leave a card I had given him in his bag and his girlfriend found it and threatened to turn up on my doorstep.  That was his story though, looking back now and even at the time, I didn’t know if I was being backed into a corner and felt the only way out was to tell my husband and start a new life. 

I was 37, I’d been married for nearly 14 years, though we’d been together for 20 with two children, a daughter 13 and a son who was 11. One day I didn’t go into work and texted my husband to say I was home and when he got in there was something we needed to discuss. He knew instantly what I was going to say as clearly my body language during the previous months had proved that I was no longer the same person. 

I lived a life where in the day I would be swooned and romance was top of the list and come home to a life where that had never ever happened.  

I can still remember my husband walking through the door from work as I made my way down the stairs and as his face filled with anger things turned ugly very quickly and for someone who was generally the softest least violent person, he firstly hit out and then grabbed me around the throat. People tell you that no one should ever hit a woman and they shouldn’t but you never know how we will each react and even to this day I make excuses for his behaviour. 

We talked, he begged and he wanted me to stay. I wasn’t 100% about the decision I was making but in a way, I didn’t see a way back from this. I had spent over half my life with this man, my husband, my best friend, I felt a sense of responsibility for him which also has a negative effect and another reason I was leaving was because I felt more like his mother. I took care of all the finances, shopping, cars etc, anything remotely where you had to engage with other people and he never ever once made the effort or said ‘I’ll do that, save you a job’. I just felt like I was taken for granted.  

We tried for a while to work things out and I remember coming home one day to petals on the bed and on the huge mirror in our bedroom he’d wrote how he loved me and all the reasons why with one of my eyeliners. Sweet you might think but my first response was to cry as he’d made the effort but it was all so false and forced, secondly he’d used one of my eyeliners. They’re not cheap and he’d scribbled on the mirror with it. 

Every time he got drunk everything was thrown back in my face and again on one occasion he had threatened me to the point I had to leave the house. I knew he’d never hurt the kids but after finding somewhere safe to stay I got a text from my daughter telling me that their dad had sat them down and was trying to make them choose who they wanted to live with. My daughter refused to answer. 

The following morning I returned to find my clothes in bags all along the path and all my belongings packed up. Again it got very messy and we couldn’t go on so I decided to move into the garage conversion until we sold the house. The kids had decided that my daughter would live with me and my son with him. The house sold instantly and I remained in the garage conversion for the next three months waiting for it all to go through. I continued to live with a very bitter husband and suffered verbal abuse beyond belief and made to feel like a prisoner in my own home. By the time I got in from work each night he would have already made dinner for himself and the kids and they would all be sat down eating at the table. Whenever I stepped out of the room another barrage of abuse. For three months my staple diet was wine and crisps but on the up side, I lost over a stone in weight.  

Moving out day was another experience. One of my best friends and her partner came to help with a big van, I basically said he could keep most stuff and really did take the bare minimum, everyone always said to me you should have taken more but you get to a point where it really doesn’t matter. As I went to leave there was more abuse and as I got in my car my friend turned to me in shock and said ‘if that is what you have been living with for the past three months I’m so sorry because I would have got you out of there sooner’.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger though right?

Life moved on and we each had our own houses. The abuse continued and I felt worthless and scared, each time his name would come up on my phone my hands would shake uncontrollably. I knew it would be like this until he found someone and even then it still went on and sadly every occasion he could he used the kids to spite me and they became the real victims in all of this. 

From then my daughter was living with me and I would see my son every other weekend.  It broke my heart and every other Sunday I would come back from dropping him off and cry my heart out and still do even now because the man I sacrificed everything for, well it didn’t work out did it…

I met the man that I’d cheated on my husband with at work. We had an instant connection and I just can’t explain but it took over me and every thought I had. It wasn’t love at first sight because in reality, he wasn’t that good looking, originally I thought he was around my age, possibly a few years younger so imagine my surprise when I find out he’s 12 years younger and I am officially a cougar. The chemistry between us was something special and he talked a good game. He was everything my husband wasn’t. Sex was good… though not the first time as let’s just say nerves got the better of him. After the whole experience (or lack of it) which was before work I can just remember sitting looking at him across the office thinking how the hell do you ask someone if this is a regular thing and of all the bloody men I’ve chosen the one who can’t get it up! From that point on though things improved and we went on weekends away, romantic dinners, surprises, flowers, all the things a girl dreams of happened.  

I didn’t introduce him to the kids straight away as I didn’t want to rush anything though my daughter was so laid back with the whole thing and actually keen to meet him, my son, on the other hand, had my ex in his ear and was less willing. After a few months passed he had dinner and spent the evening at our house and got on with my daughter like a house on fire. He eventually met my son and once the initial apprehension was dealt with they got on well and things were good. He moved in after a year of me being in my new house and we started planning a future together. 

I was always very wary. He was 26 years old and to take on someone else’s family is a big step but he said he knew exactly what he was getting himself into and I had to trust him and hope to god that he meant it as my kids had been dragged through enough hurt.  

We went on holiday together just the two of us and people thought we were on our honeymoon. Life was great, that part of life was great. The following year we did a family holiday which was a little more gruelling as you’re trying to please everyone but again we had a good time. Weekends would be spent sorting the house out, going out for lunch/dinner and snuggled on the sofa chatting sh*t and watching TV.  

The longer it went on the needier he got and if I didn’t reply to texts within ten minutes he’d be asking what I was doing or if I was okay. After two years and a half of being together, cracks were showing. If I went upstairs and his music was on I’d turn it off, it was rock but to my ears, it was just noise. He’d sit playing Xbox, shooting people and I didn’t get it. He had zero friends as he lost them all when he split from his girlfriend and apart from him playing cricket (between April and August) where he would disappear for many hours on a Saturday afternoon I was just feeling massively claustrophobic. Despite this, he put me on a pedestal, told me that me and the kids meant the world to him and when I looked at him I believed it all but for me there was always that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that it was good now but could it last. In reality I was 38, he was 26, he wanted marriage, I wasn’t divorced, he said he didn’t want children but this was a massive factor for me as I was pretty sure I didn’t want any more and although he was saying he didn’t want them now, he could turn around in at least another 10-15 years 20 even and still have that option by that time I’m not over the hill, I’m down the bottom.  

Age difference is a weird thing and I think it’s easier when you have it the opposite way round but when you’re a women trying to compete with girls who are ten years younger than you who have no wrinkles, generally no fat, pert boobs, pert bums and don’t leak a bit of water after having a bath it’s impossible. And that for me was my downfall, I compared myself to everyone, I never felt confident and felt like I was always in some kind of competition.  

It wasn’t helped by the fact that I knew he’d cheated on his previous girlfriend once at a work Christmas party because of some pathetic excuse about his dad being in the hospital and his girlfriend wasn’t giving him the support he needed and he felt vulnerable. So if that’s all it takes then that alone raises alarm bells. 

The down slope for us began when all these doubts sat in the back of my head and wouldn’t go away. I’d convinced myself he could do better with someone younger that could give him the perfect life he was after and I knew I couldn’t give that. A few more nails in the coffin developed after we decided to get a puppy together and the little time and attention I had for him were then dedicated to this cute, adorable bundle of fluff and fun that was now occupying my house.

I was knackered from getting up early and walking him. I’d walk him at night too and anytime that we would have previously had together was now interrupted by a puppy coming in between us. We argued over the way we would train it and different views on how he would be treated. The puppy ultimately let us see that the small cracks had now become massive holes. 

The final nail came when it was Christmas party time again and the usual text happy partner went AWOL all night and got in at 3am to a please leave my house, I don’t trust you. 
The rest is history really, from what I hear he’s tried to sleep his way around the office. 

I am a big believer in fate and everything happens for a reason. My relationship with my ex-husband is now on a decent level because he no longer has to see the man that broke up his marriage and if I could go back and change things the only reason I would is so I can be with my son. I ultimately chose a man who said and did all the rights things and I sadly believed we had a future. I don’t think he’ll ever understand what I gave up to be with him and I hope that when he’s at the same point in his life that I was he’ll then realise what I sacrificed and I hope be a little bit remorseful. I doubt it though.  

I’m now seven months down the line and have well and truly got used to life on my own. I struggled to start with but now fill my weekends with appointments with friends, have a dog that to start with every time I looked at reminded me of bad times but he’s got me through. The kids have bounced back now but my daughter has had major issues and needed counselling as she was self-harming. She’s seen the people she loves the most destroying each other, all in the name of love. 

Being single hasn’t stopped me doing anything and if anything it makes me more determined to enjoy life as nothing is ever guaranteed.

Is the grass greener? It depends on what colour glasses you’re looking though.

Written by Vikki Hayes.
Follow Vikki on Twitter @VikkiHayes78 

In this 
article all opinions, experiences and views are Vikki's and not of VavaViolet's team. 
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