Monday, 13 November 2017

Keeping it together, while I'm falling apart

It’s okay to not be okay. I want that to be the main thing you take away from this ramble of emotions because I never told anyone that I wasn’t okay. I still haven’t, until now.

I’ve felt lost for months, possibly longer I can’t actually remember. I’m not depressed, I have never ever thought dark thoughts and I haven’t cried out loud (I save that for when I’m in the shower).

I cry in the shower every now and again because I don’t want people to know that I break down sometimes. I don’t want to display my weaknesses, I don’t want to be a burden to those around me and I certainly do not want anyone to think I’m being pathetic.

But why do I think like that? I often ponder my thoughts and think ‘my issues are nothing compared to some peoples’. In the news, recently we’ve seen people lose their lives in terrorist attacks, people who suffer from depression and feel so low that they choose the option of taking their own lives. I look at others’ lives and it makes me realise how bloody lucky I truly am.

However, we all lead different lives and therefore, go through different chapters and experience a variety of ups and downs. The term ‘others have it much worse, man up’ needs to become extinct. Yes, there will always be somebody who is going through a tougher time than you but there will always be someone who is experiencing a much better chapter of their life compared to yours. We must stop comparing. It’s okay to focus on yourself and be sad, no matter how ‘serious’ your problem is deemed.

For example, my relationship broke down very recently and I am now single. I blame myself completely and entirely. I could let it consume me and stay in bed with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s balanced on my chest while watching Bridget Jones (like I’ve done after a breakup before) but I won’t. Sure, I cried in the shower a few times while blaring Amy Winehouse so that no one would hear my sobs but that’s to be expected. I shouldn’t have felt embarrassed for displaying that emotion. I should have gone in to my mum’s room and let it out but I’m weak. Deep down I’m so weak that I can’t even express my true emotions. Instead I slap on a smile, crack a joke and act like I’m on top of the f*cking world – but I’m not right now.

Of course, there are a lot of other things going on in my life that only me, myself and I know about. By that I mean, I’ve not told a living soul. Why? Because I know I am strong enough to deal with them. I’ve learned what I can and can’t handle. I know that currently, in this moment in time, I can handle it and I will be okay. But that’s not the point of this article, the point is if I couldn’t deal with it I would finally crack my shell and tell those close to me that I need help – and I wouldn’t be ashamed.

I’ve finally learned that it is okay to express my emotions and it’s okay for you to do it too. Whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s perfectly acceptable to cry out for help.

So, to wrap this up, if you need help or someone to talk to, seek it. It doesn’t make you weak, it shows strength to admit when you can’t handle a situation. The next time I feel as sh*t as I did a few months ago I will reach out to my loved ones and I won’t bow my head in shame.

Written by VavaViolet’s Founder and Editor-in-Chief Sophie Blackman. 



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