Sunday, 7 January 2018

Why my love life f*cking sucks

I asked my friends ‘what should I write about I feel so uninspired?’ to which they replied, ‘your love life because it’s a fucking joke’.

My love life has always been problematic. When I was 19 I went on this date where I just sat there, leaning back into my chair as far as I possibly could, swigging my large glass of Rose that cost me £11 whilst listening to him constantly talk about himself. I felt like pulling up another chair for his ego. Why didn’t I leave? Well, I was having a dry spout and hadn’t been laid in a couple of months so I took one last swig and blurted out ‘look you’re dull, wanna just go back to yours?’. I was expecting him to throw his beer in my face but instead, he nodded gawkily. I had the worst sex of my life that night. What was most annoying was the fact his roommate was beyond good looking and could hold an intelligent conversation. Of course, he had a girlfriend.

I’ve done a lot of bad things but I respect girl code, another woman’s man is untouchable in my books. Even if they do have abs of steel and share the same political opinions as me.

I thought I’d get luckier as I got older, I didn’t. I met a guy who was a bit older to the point that my best guy mate refers to him as ‘the paedo’. We saw each other for roughly six months and to be fair, it was a lot of fun. He took me to meet his parents and we went on a road trip. His mum was nice – priorities. On the drive back home he said, ‘let’s put on some old bangers’. He started singing to 90’s music and well, during that period I was a toddler watching Teletubbies and relying on my parents to clean my arse. I sat there quietly because of course, I didn’t have a fucking Scooby Doo what the lyrics were. Awkwardly he asked, ‘do you not remember these songs?’ to which I replied ‘the average person starts remembering things from five years onwards. I turned five in 2001.’ He dumped me three days later. I cried about it for a day but truthfully, I realised straight away that it wasn’t going to work with a 7/8-year age gap while I was a naïve 19-year-old.

So, what am I doing now? I’ve been single for two months and spent my weekend hungover watching Friends. I’m in a very confusing bubble and just don’t know what I want. One minute I’m on Tinder window shopping and the next I’m deleting the app because I just want to be single.

Currently, I want to spend every single spare minute with my friends. I’m either with them, talking in the group chat, or on the phone to one of them and I love it. But I am beyond frustrated. I love all this spare time but damn do I miss cuddling whilst laying there talking to someone late at night. Sex, that’s an issue too. Two years ago, my confidence was on fire. I’d go on Tinder and be able to ‘get laid’ pretty quickly. Now if a guy calls me pretty I go all shy and my words come out like ‘mshdej, thanks’. So, obviously, sex isn’t happening right now. It’s not even just the fact that I’m socially awkward with men, I don’t want to sleep around.

About a week ago I matched this guy on Tinder. He was 26, working in journalism and we had a lot in common. I avoided telling my friends because the night before I put in the group chat ‘I’ve deleted Tinder’. Our conversation on the app quickly turned into numbers exchanging, on to WhatsApp and then a FaceTime call. I was on call for a mere 10 minutes because it scared me that he seemed so bloody perfect. He liked Stranger Things, Domino’s and he didn’t want children (that’s a biggie for me). I politely told him that I had to go and a couple of hours later I messaged him ‘I’m sorry you’re lovely but I don’t want to waste your time’, he replied ‘it’s okay I couldn’t date a girl that orders gluten-free pizza anyway’. I think he was having banter but I can’t read men. Just FYI I order pepperoni too sometimes when I’m feeling really naughty.

But that evening made me realise, I don’t need to panic. I don’t want children so I’m not against the clock, marriage would be pretty sweet but if I never walk down that aisle it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and there are a lot of men out there. So why on earth am I worried about being forever alone? From now on I’ll get laid if I’m lucky but I’m not swiping through a bloody app anymore.

--> Written by VavaViolet’s Founder and Editor-in-Chief Sophie Blackman.


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