Tuesday, 6 March 2018

My rules to date me and why you should set yourself some

A twenty-something woman has noted her ‘non-negotiable’ rules to date her and here’s why you should too.

I am recently single and stumbled upon the realisation that I pick the wrong men. Not exactly an earth-shattering statement but it did give me a bit of a slap in the face.

I seem to actively choose men who I couldn't possibly have a future with. There was the guy who was religious while I am not, the one I wasn't even attracted to but I felt bad not giving a chance and most recently, the man who lived halfway across the world.

So, in an attempt to save myself an awful lot of heartbreak, I decided to list all the traits I absolutely did not want in a man; the deal breakers, non-negotiables and absolute no no's. 

There was one problem though, I didn't really know what my deal breakers were. I said I'd never date a smoker and yet somehow, I found myself falling for a man who had one permanently attached to his lip.

What traits were so off-putting that I would put them in the way of my potential partner? In an attempt to divert any more difficult questions about myself and to avoid delving into my own treacherous dating history, I decided to interrogate my friends instead.

I've got to say, I was expecting some more superficial ones, especially from the guys (no offence boys!) but I was pleasantly surprised by their answers. There were, of course, the generic no smokers or drug takers but the most common deal breaker was someone who lacks ambition and drive while a close second was someone who doesn't look after themselves by working out or just generally lacking in the personal hygiene department. Next up was compatibility; similar sense of humour, not controlling and just generally a willingness to compromise.

But my favourite were the more particular ones like someone who is happy to return the favour in oral sex, being able to handle them at their worst and the best one, in my opinion, someone who clings to their mum or calls them 'Mummy', would be given the boot straight away.

I was impressed. Every person I asked had replied almost instantly with very clear criteria as to what they would kick out of bed in a heartbeat. Why did I find it so difficult then? In life, I was so clear about what I wanted but when it came to ruling things out, I was always so afraid of cutting myself off from things that I may actually enjoy, so I guess I applied the same rule to men. Yet looking at my long past of failed dates and car crash relationships, it was clear a strict list was something I desperately needed to implement in order to save myself from future heartbreak and wasting anyone else’s time. Here are my 3:

1) Must not be lazy or averse to spontaneity. My days are centred around activity so if a guy isn't down to race to the beach on a sunny weekend, it's really not going to work out.
2) Cannot be nonchalant all the time. The most attractive thing to me is when someone is passionate about something, even if it's as small as poetry or films, just a little bit of that spark is so important to me.
3) Lack of brain cells is an instant turn off. I enjoy conversation and being challenged in my beliefs. There is nothing worse than dating a guy who you constantly have to explain things to or whom can't even hold a conversation. Even if he is ridiculously good looking.
So, now it's your turn to pick some. Be clear, specific and try to stick to less than five, that way, you aren't being too harsh and ruling out 90% of the population. Remember, there is a difference between absolutely non-negotiable conditions and imperfections that are insignificant in the grand scheme of love.

What are your non-negotiables? Let us know in the comments!

Written by VavaViolet's Lifestyle Editor Charlotte Hobbs.



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