Monday, 20 July 2020

Seems like I’m making a lot of changes suddenly, aye? You’re wrong - Identity Coaching: Week 1

It's taken a decade. A whole ten years to get to where I am right now. I feel like I've lived 1,000 times and I'm twenty fucking three.
I'll start by saying, I'm tired of being tired. So I'm making big changes. Let's get to it...

Recently, if you're a loyal reader or even a new one, you would have seen that I've been posting on social media a hell of a lot compared to how much I used to share and speak up. 

Not doing it for attention. I have friends, I don't need strangers validation but I have a lot of things I like and want to share these days. I've been quiet for too long. 

But then something very crazy and dramatic happened to every single one of us and it affected us all differently.

Lockdown happened. 

A month in I got bored of feeling shit. And for the first time in my life, I opened my eyes wide enough to actually take in what the fuck is going on.

Started paying attention and woke up for the first time in... I can't even tell you how long.

All of a sudden my life went from being chaos to completely relaxed. I was forced to avoid drinking, the city and stay in the country, in my room and for walks in my local area.

Suddenly, it hit me while out one evening by myself with my legs dangling over a stream. I'm really bored of being sad, being walked over and disrespected. 

Sick of feeling sorry for myself and continuing to be a good person who lets others walk over her. I don't deserve none of that.

Lockdown made me realise what amazing friends and family I have. Like, I can't even express it. You know who you are.

We called so much and rather than be drunk, I had deep conversations all over the shop. 

I also wasn't tired from commuting five days a week. I didn't have to force any conversations. I didn't have to make excuses to cancel plans. I didn't have to hide my tears at my desk when I was having a bad day.

With all this free time alone (I don't live at home so it got REAL lonely at first) it forced me to spend time with myself.

I knew I was heading one way or the other. I felt that surge of depression looming that month. Started losing my God damn mind. 

Couldn't hack the thought of feeling that inner pain again. Was terrified because I thought I'd dealt with those demons and I couldn't fathom why or how I was falling into that trap again. 

But I hadn't really dealt with those demons. Not really anyways. I'd done therapy, worked on myself a little sure. But I still wasn't in love with myself - or even liked myself much, to be honest. 

Lockdown changed me because it made me fight harder for my life than I've ever had to fight in my life.

Did I tell anyone how I actually felt that month? Yes. My lovely therapist who told me to see the time as a positive and see what fun I could have by myself.

And ohh boy, we've had fun alright... 

At first, it was really hard I won't lie to you. The journey isn't easy. You have to really want it.

My thoughts I quite literally had to force to be positive. I'd have to close my eyes sometimes to do it and hold my breath, but I did it. We started blocking out the noise.

Quietly, I dealt with a lot of things that I've needed to deal with for a very, very long time.

Smiled while writing that part because, while it's sad, I know the ending, or at least where it's heading...

Last year I was signed off work for two months because I didn't feel like carrying on. Now I'm starting to get really excited by life again.

Five months ago before the coronavirus pandemic, I drank a lot both on weekends and in my free time. It's not a big secret (tended to be at the pub a lot) but I still didn't advertise how bad I knew it had got. 

These days I can turn down the boozer when I feel inspired to work or will go and do something else. I'll only go now if it's an actual desire to just have fun and not to drown anything out. If I feel shit, I don't go out and seek alcohol to make myself feel better.

Six months ago I couldn't go a month without sex. It's been half a year now and we're horny but handling it and have no desire to have sex with just anyone anymore. Don't feel a need to fill that void anymore.

A year ago I lose my temper a lot. These days I won't even argue with you unless I really need to. 

So, at the end of the first month in lockdown, I thought to myself 'right if I can do those things let's be alone for these months and sort myself out, privately'. 

When I began feeling happy I lapped it up and tried to make my mind continue the positive energy.

At first, it was so difficult I just wanted to crawl back into bed with some wine and a pack of fags but we kept going.

Bit by bit, slowly, day by day, hour by hour, I found myself wanting to take on the day again.

It first started happening and really making an impact when I started reading, and writing, headlines about people losing their Nan's to the horrific and deadly, Covid-19 virus. 

The thought of it, and the thought of people being little dickheads and killing people's nan's made me very fucking angry.

Then George Floyd was horrifically and wrongly murdered and Black Lives Matter rightly took over our timelines. I haven't let it leave mine since and I won't for the rest of my life.

Although my temper was always a massive problem, it is also me at my strongest because, well, damn I got a backbone alright. 

So I've turned my surging rage into activism...

This includes, but does not limit, feminism, animal rights, human rights, LGBTQ+ and I'm learning and getting angrier by the day. 

But as activist John Lewis once said, "Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble".

It's a new kind of rage. But I like it.

And there's a reason why the temper in me is so extremely different these days compared to how I used to react to anger. 
For years, I've been quietly working on my temper and I just do not want to be at war anymore.

Not with you, not with family, friends, loved ones and most certainly not with myself.

I want to be in total control of when I go to battle. Because, sometimes, and only sometimes, you need too.

Instead of getting upset and sitting in my room moping about how people are idiots, I remembered... 'Oh, holy shit, I do have a purpose in life I'm a journalist' so I got my arse up and started speaking as loud as I could.

Turned my rage into using my spare time to encourage morons on Twitter to wear masks, not have sex for months, wash their hands, etc etc etc.

That rage - now that I had control of it - made me get real creative. In doing so, I also made money by taking on extra shifts and I felt good for doing it too.

So, I thought to myself, that was easy? Did I manifest that? I'm fulfilled, richer and some guy called Paul on Twitter now wants to wear a mask?

Googled manifestation and ever since it's been one hell of a journey!

I've lost a stone in the last three weeks since I last weighed myself. Before that, I'd lost 6 pounds.

Now, I can not stop writing and to me, that's the best thing in the whole damn world. 

My true self in my writing is to write how I would talk to you in person.

Some will say I'm 'weird' but I've learnt, I'm not, I'm just direct and know who I am. 

It's you who needs to stop being a little weirdo. Let yourself just be yourself. Stop caring for other's opinions. Switch it off, you could save ya life.

Don't get me wrong at all, I am nowhere NOWHERE near where I'm going. 

My next chapter, the one I started a few days ago, is my most exciting yet.

I've hired an identity coach. Her name is Jadie White and she works with women who are conscious, self-motivated and are invested in their personal development.

Before I wasn't one of those women although I wanted to be. 

Last Friday I had my first chat with Jadie and we realised, it's time now, I am motivated enough to get the most out of an identity coach.

Jadie is helping me to: 
- Identify and release my limiting beliefs towards myself that are holding me back
- Reprogram my new identity stories of confidence, fearlessness and self-worth
- Learn what my intuition feels like and to learn how to tap into it whenever
- To discover how to honour and action my personal needs and values 
- Teach me to express my emotions healthily and make greater connections with people
- Provide me with clarity, direction and motivation to let go of past toxic identities 
- Get me back on my aligned path

The reason I decided to push the 'book a call' button is because I work best when I have someone encouraging me, but I want to get to a point where I am my everything and I need Jadie's help to get there.

My journey with identity coaching is something I do want to share now that I'm dealing with all my demons and I'm learning to walk through the fire because I'm well aware it could actually help someone.

Due to this, I'm going to document the entire three months of my journey here on Vavaviolet so you can see if it's something that could help you too.

Because since speaking to Jadie last week for our first session I've felt more positive and upbeat than I have in my entire life and I can see it getting better now and I'm looking forward to our next session because it's making me feel better. Everything slowly is day, by day, feeling easier. 

It's not magic. It's happening now because it's clicked, I want better and I'm going to get it. Hence why I made the move to reach out to her.

Changes such as my weight, mindset, how I treat people, how I control my day, doing what I want to do and being motivated enough to do it, is what I feel comfortable sharing now as I'm actually sticking to it and have been for some time. 

This all means that this was, the first time I've opened up about my depression so publicly and as someone who has a lot of pride and hides her true feelings, it feels very refreshing. 

We're getting comfortable in this little old shell of mine and I want to share my true self.

So hey there! 

I'm Sophie Blackman. I'm 23, a Libra (you've learnt enough already - haven't ya?), a journalist, a good friend, and an even better dog mum. 

While I am changing, there is no point in forgetting the old Soph. She's still here. I haven't changed who I am. I've always been in touch with myself deep down. I'm just, feeling freer?

Before I didn't care, whereas now, I'm really starting to not give a fuck.

VavaViolet will be my little space - as 13-year-old Soph always intended it to be - to share my journey. However, there's a little something my young teen self didn't start manifesting until three years ago...

We don't just share my voice here anymore. I have a team of writers who, with the money this little old corner of the internet makes, help me to fill it with content.

I'm only 23. I've realised I need to calm down panicking about where I'm at and start thinking about right now. And right now I'm lucky enough to have a career and a stable pay-cheque which I know goes in on a certain date.

So, this side hustle, is that, a small side hustle. 

But let's manifest the fuck out of it. Shall we? If it fails? Well, its better than not giving it a go at all, isn't it?

Failing isn't scary when you can laugh at your mistakes. And I laugh at mine often.

Looking forward to sharing this journey. Nervous, but let's see how we feel about that in three months...

Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman. 

PS: I know what it's like when you're deep in depression. Reading someone else be happy and live their life when you want to give up hurts. I know it does. But my DMs are always open, doesn't matter if we're not close. They're open and I'll listen.


  1. This post I can resonate with so much! Thank you for sharing lovely xx

  2. Wonderful, just what a blog it is! This blog has provided the helpful data to us continue the good work.
    Free Sex Dating Sites


Blogger Template Created by pipdig