Monday, 10 August 2020

It's been one hell of a fight - but it's worth it | Identity Coaching: Week 2/3

Two weeks ago the first article of this series dropped and although I'm staying positive... its been one hell of a fight ever since.

Before you read any further... if you haven't read 'Seems like I'm making a lot of changes suddenly, aye?' Which is the first instalment of this series, I would if I were you otherwise a lot of this won't make sense.

In that piece, I discuss why I hired an Identity Coach (Jadie White), what it involves and how she's helping me and how I got to the mental health stage that I did to be able to move on from therapy to coaching after being clinically depressed. My depression lasted and grew over a period of five years and quite honestly, ruined my life. 

The reason you should check out that article is because I am no longer depressed or in any form of depressive state and haven't been for half a year - thanks to seeking help a little over a year ago - but more on that here!

Now, back to present day and this article... Let's talk about 'week 2' of my little journey of learning to love myself, my life and kick depression's arse.

To catch you up... the first call I had with Jadie (three weeks ago) was my introduction call to see if I was ready and strong enough to have an Identity Coach, get my £££ worth and I also had to have enough drive of my own to take on this challenge.

Because let me be very honest with you, this is the biggest challenge of my life and it has not been easy.

But we are not giving up. We will not be backing down, not this time. 

Thankfully, while it has been so hard that I've cried a few times (I've also been ill the last two weeks aka a soppy sack of shit) I'm grateful to 1, have a fucking fantastic coach who has kept me positive, lends me a hand to pull me back up and cheers me on as I start to walk again until I'm jogging without her (not literally yet, ha) and 2, I already had drive in me deep down. Jadie is helping to pull the old Soph back to the surface - (she’s doing a grand job so far, I must say). 

So you can understand more into what coaching is (the main question asked is what's the difference between it and therapy) I'll begin by explaining what my first set of homework was - as I had to complete this by our second call.

It was to:

- Get on top of all of my emails 

- Meditate for at least five minutes every single day (never done it before prior to this)

- To create a long list (a 'brain dump') where you jot down everything wrong and good about your life

- To create another brain dump list of everything I love and love doing and then order it by what I adore/want most

- Do the things I dreaded doing the most first every day

- To work out in the privacy of my home

For the first time in my life, I did all of my homework and I even did it a few days before our second call.

Then during our second call, I was set the next lot of homework, which was:

- Organise my desktops (they were - quite honestly - both buck wild)

- Continuing to meditate for at least five minutes a day

- To recognise three times that my intuition steps in, and then to write down what it told me and what the situation was

- To provide a list of my top three values 

- To then use them to create and perfect three affirmations for me (which are my first ever affirmations). 

Once again, more shocking to me then any of you reading this, I completed my homework early and I was excited to do every single one.

Writing those lists and looking at what I actually want in black and white was so liberating. I discovered I want things I didn't even know I wanted?

I then wrote out plans and did my research into how I can get those things so I can create the life I want.

The meditating helps me spend time to just focus on myself - which is good because I live in a permanent state of chaos because I like to be every fucker's therapist. So, meditating helps me stay sane. We (me and poor Jadie who has to put up with me) have come to realise this is the key for me. Who knew I just needed to meditate? 

I also wrote a cons list including every single thing in my life that bothers me and whew, I give less of a fuck than I thought because it certainly helped me realise what bullshit we're not tolerating anymore and instead I am now putting all my love and energy into only things I care about and people I care for - we're being very fussy about that.

Also, due to coaching, working out is going better than I assumed it would. Don't get me wrong, I still despise it. But I still do it and it's slowly getting easier. Perhaps, even slightly, and ever so slightly... fun?

Listening to my intuition was the hardest part of my homework. I have never, ever, in my life listened to it. I've always purposely chosen to avoid it as a way to protect myself. However, we're starting to listen to it VERY closely now as we realise ignoring it is a fool's move.

The tasks like my clean my desktops, emails, tidying my room etc were all really easy to do because after getting off the call to Jadie I now know that I need to set aside free time after them because I'm gonna wanna get those jobs done ASAP. 

That's how inspiring I'm finding it. Depressed me didn't give a shit about my messy room or anything whereas now, I want to do things. 

So, how am I feeling at this point in time? How do I truly feel about myself and my life after two weeks of identity coaching compared to how I felt before? Let me tell you!

It's all been a bit head wig out, to be honest. 

You see, my bubble of depression (while tragic ha) was very comfy because I could just hide away, fake a smile and mope to my heart’s content because, and I'm being deadly serious, I could not get back up after I'd been knocked down.

"Fall down seven times and get up eight", turned into, "Fall down seven times and just stay there," ha.

While also keeping a close eye on my own thoughts, feelings and emotions, I've also had the delight during the last fortnight of readers having conversations with me and opening up that you suffer or have suffered depression. 

You said it helped to know you're not alone and you said it was refreshing to see someone talk so directly and boldly about their own mental health journey.

This leads me to explain why it's taken so long for me to get this second instalment out... its because before I wasn't sharing enough, to be honest. 

My ego gets in the way of me being honest even now because I don't want people to think I'm "weak" for confessing to clinical depression, but I need to remember, that's just my ego and I don't have to listen. 

I'll say it now - you are not "weak" for being or for being depressed in the past and neither am I. It will actually do the opposite to you if you fight back.

Egos should be left at the door when we discuss mental health. Personally, I do not have the time to pussyfoot around it. I will not tolerate anyone disrespecting mental health issues and if you're not mature enough for these conversations, leave.

To those of you staying, toss your ego to the side. I have because we need to talk very honestly about these issues if we are to ever make an impact in this world. 

Therefore, I'm taking the mask off completely and I will be very honest about the last two weeks and a half of my life while being coached because it's not all happy-go-lucky but actually, bizarrely, that's kind of the beauty of it. 

During the last two weeks, I have had one little break down (by break down I literally mean slumping against a wall and crying like there's no one else in the world lol but that's it, just sobbing like a lil baby) which occurred last weekend.

Luckily it was at around 11pm and I had my call with Jadie at 11.30pm. Did I think about cancelling? Yes, yes I did.

But I knew that although she is not my therapist and she is here to help me find myself, I knew she'd know what to say to give me the strength to sort the problems out that was troubling me in that fresh moment.

As soon as she asked how I was I burst out crying despite pointing to myself in my bathroom mirror five mins prior and muttering, 'don't you dare fucking cry!' (We all do it).

She told me to explain, so I did, she just listened and I could tell she took it all in because the questions she asked me in return gave me that evidence (you gotta clock who pays attention to you when you talk and who doesn't fast these days).

Without telling me what to do to fix my problems, she asked me to turn to my intuition and to tell her what that was telling me.

So, I told her what my intuition was telling me to do and she replied, 'Well... there you go. Perfect, do that', I did and my problems were gone.

Since then I haven't cried again or paid much interest in what doesn't make me happy. Actually, I haven't paid attention to anything that brings me even a little bit of anything but joy.

While exciting, new and fun, it's also been a hell of a fight, it really has.

The reason it's been so hard is that it feels like I'm going through 1,000 emotions at once. Because I am.

I'm tired and I feel like I've been at Thorpe Park for two weeks straight. The ups and downs, the adrenaline, feeling alive but also feeling confused, lonely and heartbroken realising I've missed out on really living from 18-years-old to now. But at least I have my future and that, that's going to be cool. I'm going to make sure of that so we're focusing on it from now on.

You see, you have to gage that in a matter of months I've gone from thinking about ending it all every day to waking up with so much excitement for life every single morning.

I've gone from doubting myself nearly every single second I took a breath, hating myself and life, couldn't look in a mirror, couldn't even look someone in the eye if they asked if I was okay... to now I'm starting to see the old Soph return and feel like her. 

That happy-go-lucky annoying little loud mouth fuck who knew her worth and just lived her life. And I can't bloody wait until the day I can say I've improved her.

Jadie has made me realise how lost I really truly was BUT, staying positive is key because she's given me the drive to fully get back up by teaching me her methods and helping me dig that little bit deeper.

Therapy lifted me, but coaching kicked my arse into gear.

Like I said, it's all incredibly head wig out because coaching is literally making me open my eyes and realise who I truly am all over again. I feel like a teenager, a teen stuck at Thorpe Park and it's low key fantastic but scary.

The other night I couldn't sleep and it was shortly after my third call with Jadie which led us into week three. During that call, we discussed my old YouTube channel and the confidence I had back then.

Being 100% honest, I'd forgotten I was even ever that confident. Jadie told me to watch some of my old videos as homework. So, I did for the first time in five years. I sat and I watched my old self.

Of course, I cried my fucking eyes out at first because seeing 16/17-year-old Soph just living her best little life in those videos was shocking to me. Even I could see in my eyes how happy I was and how I had become a shell of my teenage self. 

Those silly little YouTube videos made me realise that since I'd truly forgotten how to be happy. For years I haven't felt happiness and even I didn't realise how bad it had really got.

This is where Jadie comes in and why I keep licking her arse so much, ha. Jadie has made me realise I can create my happy bubbly life again. 

I, Soph, can be over the top excited for life every single day if I wanna. I can live the life I want. I can do whatever I want as long as I have a passion for it. I can speak my mind. I can be a good person. So, let's do it. Fuck it, I'm just going to get it done.

Coaching is making me challenge myself in ways I didn't know it would. I've been active on social about some changes such as working on Vava more, going vegan, activism and a lil bit of weight loss but its the behind the scenes where I'm really working.

Learning how to live again, how to have a good day, how to love myself, getting that confidence back but also to light up that trait, listening to my intuition, ridding toxic things, talking myself out of talking bad about myself and whew, I could go on and on we got some issues over here alright ahaha.

One of the things that is helping me the most is having my top three values as affirmations. 

Following our third call - where we wrote out my affirmations and believed we conquered them - Jadie later that day sent me a voice note and told me we needed to redo them.

What I like about Jadie as a coach is this, during our first call she confessed her natural approach is a little “direct” and that it’s something she is personally working on as she is well aware every client is different.

My response was to smile. I told her there and then that to get through to me she will need to be nothing but direct. 

I can't help purposely ignoring hints, to be honest. Really despise them. Perhaps it is seen as a bad trait (who knows or cares) but there is no point hinting with me because I will act like a fool until you respect me enough to be nothing but honest.

My therapist (it’s important to remember your Identity Coach is not your therapist) bosses at work, and Jadie all respect that. I listen to all of them, intently. 

And that’s why I think coaching is working for me personally, so far. You have to be able to take constructive criticism, learn from it and act. 

Because if she hadn’t messaged me and told me to rewrite my affirmations I would have stuck with what I’d written originally and reading them again now... I know it wouldn’t have worked. 

I know for 100% I would have given up by now if she had just thought, “I can’t be arsed, those first affirmations will do”.

Instead, she set me the homework of spending a week in my own little world, thinking about what I want, and then redoing my affirmations. 

To the point where I look at them and the fire burns so fierce it keeps me fuelled for anything life throws at me.

The fact that Jadie cared enough about her work, business, and, also my own well-being, inspired me to want to care that much about myself, my start-up business, and others.

Now, I cannot tell you how many times I have toyed around with these three goals - because that's what they are. The three affirmations below are what I want most for me. 

Lemme just say, over the last 23 years, I have NEVER rewritten something so much. 

Therefore, these are incredibly personal to me but I’m sharing in the bid to inspire and get ya arse up with me. 

They are:

- I am confident and honest with myself. I do what I love with passion. I deserve good things coming into my life. 

- I respond calmly, logically and with empathy to every card I am dealt.

- I trust my intuition and use it with best intentions to fight for what I believe in. 

I could have written my affirmations as anything in the world but after spending weeks thinking about it, these are the three key things that will make ME happy.

The first one is because I want to better my confidence towards myself, my career and my passions.

Second affirmation is because I do not want to lose my temper ever and it matters highly to me that I live with grace as my life and career is just chaos so we must learn peace.

Third means I am learning to use my intuition to help me with my activism work and my personal relationships.

Everything else in my life will align with these as I won't be settling in any regards, ever again.

Since reading these every morning and before bed the good kind of 'fuck it' attitude I have is immense.

To wrap this up, here is what I have learnt from Jadie over the last fortnight:

- To trust my intuition and listen to it

- To rid all toxicity or to deal with it with grace

- To trust in me, and trust that I can do this 

- To mediate a day keeps ya sane

- Water is my best friend

- To do this for me before anyone else 

- To start my day off right 

- To not focus on the negatives

- To instead focus on my positives 

- To grow my pile of positives will never harm

- Stretching is also my best friend 

- To just fucking go for it, really...

I'm sure you're done listening to me ramble now and I do not blame you, but please remember, you can stand up that eighth time. Drop your pride, shout for a hand and let somebody pull you back up or, get a therapist and then an Identity Coach ha (message me for charities who can provide therapy if you need it as I'm aware it is pricey. There's no shame in seeking help).

Here's to another fortnight at Thorpe Park!!

Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Violet Blackman.

PS: Please check out Jadie White on Instagram and have a look into her work. You never know, this could be your exciting next chapter! 


1 comment

  1. Heya hun, I'm on a journey as well at the moment and I know how hard getting your values right is. I had to rewrite mine too! I'm enjoying my homework weirdly enough and though I don't think I'm as far along as you, I am getting there, slowly! Hugs


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