Thursday, 3 December 2020

How to grow so much from a breakup that they never faze you again

Getting over a breakup and growing from it are two very different things - one will help you move on a hell of a lot quicker.

And I'm not talking about getting over it. No. That comes with patience, time and is uncontrollable.

However, growing from it is in your total control and you can start now.

When we go through a bad breakup (or any kind of split) it often takes a massive knock-on effect on the rest of our life.

Our confidence, self-belief, all our emotions, the very real pain in our heart and our outlook on life.

The fresh pain of heartbreak will have you forgetting who you are, your worth and where you're going.

It will have you standing still in time - if you let it.

But do you want that? Do you want to let weeks, months or perhaps years pass by just because one person out of billions on this planet decided to walk out on you?

I thought not.

Here's the trick to breakups, you're looking at them wrong. And that's the first step to growing from them… here's the rest:


To grow from a breakup you must switch up your mindset. Breakups at first seem like the worst thing in the world, right? Incorrect!

If you were meant to be with that person, you would. If it was meant to work out, it would have. If they wanted to stay, they would.

So, try thinking of it this way… they did you a favour. They have removed themselves so you can find something or someone better. Them leaving opened a new door.

Remember, the right people will walk into your life, at the right moment.

Another terrible state of mind we tend to enter fresh out of heartbreak is the thought that your breakup is the end of your world. It's not.

Let me tell you something, that thought is not reality. It's not real. Your world isn't really over. It's just a thought and it doesn't exist past your mind. Isn't that crazy?

While experiencing trauma of any kind, as many psychologists have said and my therapist likes to remind me, we make up realities in our head.

One of these is that 'life is over'. When in fact, it's not. We've just come to that conclusion in our head because we don't know how to deal or we were never taught.

What you must learn is that a breakup of any kind is not your entire life. It was a chapter. It's now come to an end and the part of the book where you get back up has come.

Bring your mindset back to what you are grateful for every single time you feel it turning dark. Because something that is very real about the mind is that what we focus on, gets better and we attract.

Instead of centring your mind on the negatives of the breakup, see the rewards. Focus on the good that has come from it - because, believe me, there is likely a lot more good than bad.

Drown that negative mindset over your breakup. Murder it with gratitude. Make room for what is to come.

Learn self-control

The thing about self-respect is that it comes from self-control. And it's only when you respect yourself that you can grow.

Working on the skill of self-control will have you saving yourself in the future before you even get damaged.

If you're heartbroken right now or hurting, improving this skill will set you free this time, it will stop you from being damaged in future and it will open your life up to a heap of opportunities - and no, I'm not just talking about your love life.

How the fuck do I learn such a thing? You ask?

Well, if I am to be brutally honest with you, while it is possible it is not easy as it doesn't actually come naturally to us - hence why we have to train it.

According to a study by the American Psychological Association, "training self-control through repeated practice does not result in generalised improvements in self-control."

And bizarrely, that's step one to improving the skill. Stop beating yourself up for your lack of self-control. We are not even wired for it!!

Disciplined people were not born that way. None of them were. Every single person you will ever meet who has self-respect and self-control had to pay dearly for it - and you will to.

The second you realise that is the moment you realise you too can welcome self-control and respect into your life.

To do this, one must avoid temptations. Block them or mute them. Go to places for awhile where you won't bump into them. Keep them on social if you must but don't look.

Causing yourself pain by looking is only disrespecting yourself. By having the self-control to stop looking it means you can focus on your priorities and decisions that matter more than what your ex is doing.

Another way to build the skill is to measure it. My therapist actually said to me 'what gets measured, gets managed' and it's very true.

If you monitor your progress it will keep you chasing your goals and you will, over time, become an expert of your own behaviour.

You can also up your self-control by taking a look at how you deal with stress.

Of course, understandably, breakups are incredibly stressful and therefore you must look and hold yourself accountable for how you handle stress.

It is perfectly okay to cry your fucking eyes out for a few days. I wouldn't take that away from you but there must come a time when you deal with the stress of it all differently.

When you look after yourself, your emotions are more in control. A lack of eating, exercise and sleep will all have you feeling more stressed than you actually are.

Which leads me to my next point for working on self-control - prioritise things.

Set daily to do lists but don't go crazy. Be kind to yourself, slow steps first. Perhaps just two things on it but focus on them, make them the best you can. This will make you feel more in control when its harder to be in that mindset.

And lastly, forgive yourself every single time.

Every time you fail you really must forgive yourself. Failing is part of life. It is part of trying. That relationship that didn't work - forgive yourself.

When you beat yourself up it achieves fuck all. It truly achieves nothing and it never will. So quit wasting valuable energy - it's crumbling away at your self-respect.

Explore yourself

One of my favourite things to do after a breakup - which now gets me rather excited when something comes to an end - is that I know it's now my time to put on a show for myself.

Sounds sinister, doesn't it? Enjoying breakups? It's not that I enjoy things coming to an end as such but for me, I know it just means something better is coming and I know wasting my time being upset over someone who could walk away so easily only hurts me - not them.

You see, one thing leads to another once you master your self-control and mindset.

People will walk out of your life and you will find yourself giving little to no fucks. You will hold the door open for them on their way because your mindset is strong and your self-control and respect knows what you deserve and if it isn't them, they have got to go.

Instead of thinking about them, what they're doing, stalking them on socials etc, you learn to put the focus back on you.

Now you have all of this free time, what do you want to do? Fuck what they're doing, what are you doing?

Personally, whether its a breakup or things ending with someone I'm talking to, I see it as an exciting time to put a lil extra work back into me.

I up my self-care, perhaps I'll return to a skill or hobby I haven't in a while or start building a new one.

The real bag is instead of trying to interact with them, get their attention or chase them, look through the door they left and explore what it has bought with it.

It's brought a new freedom. That's what a breakup has gifted you. It's taken away someone who didn't have their best interests for you and now you have room for that.

So, put on the best show of your life. Discover yourself. Only then will you attract what you deserve.

Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman.

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