Saturday, 30 January 2021

It took a global pandemic for me to end my hoe ways, we still gonna f*ck tho | Editor's Letter



I haven't had sex in almost half a year and while I'm quite honestly gagging for it, I just can't seem to get my freak on for just anyone anymore. Feel me?

Right now, I am speaking to my fellow women and trans women but boys, and men, feel free to read along.

January has finally ended. Not to be negative, nevertheless, it does have the habit of feeling as if it's dragging on a tad.

For us here at Vava, as we preached throughout January, it was a month - and always will be - of gathering ourselves, planning our own moves in silent for the year ahead and resting up after a manic December.

This doesn't mean no work, sadly. For February we have months worth of content ready for you at our fingertips!

Let's face it, the next month is consumed with the natter of romance and hilarious single folk memes clouding our timelines. It is also a month of being grateful for love - in all of your relationships.

Valentines Day and the concept of romance doesn't necessarily mean it has to be directed at a romantic partner. 

You can choose to focus that energy of love on loving yourself and your loved ones, ie family and friends, instead - as you wait patiently to meet someone who aligns in all areas.

So, this month we will have articles for our readers in relationships, of course, but our prime focus is to get those through the month who may be struggling.

Because let's get one thing straight.

I'm well aware as the Editor of VavaViolet that I present a rather 'romance comes last' ideology of life and that's simply due to the fact that it's the way I choose to live mine - I'm also extremely aware many other women are struggling with what I'm about to ramble on about now...

However, it doesn't mean I am shut off to the concept of love. Funnily enough, its what I most believe in. I'm just selective about who I give that energy to now.

Let me explain...

Coronavirus came along as it did so savagely and recklessly a year ago and I thought to myself, if my smoker's lungs survive this it will be the depression of being by myself that will kill me off, to be blunt.

So, for the first few weeks of lockdown, I wanted nothing more than to fuck, drink and party. I really missed it. Loved escaping my thoughts. I missed being with my friends. My own company was creeping up on me. 

And I started to think, oh shit, if I continue thinking about quarantine negatively, it will be negative. But if I start seeing even the small positives and focus on them, they will grow. Sure enough, they did!

What did I do? I worked on myself. My core. And I realised, even I don't want to disrespect myself anymore - even in the bedroom - and I was a fucking hoe for some attention and dick, won't lie.  

Lockdown forced me to be by myself and deal with it. It was either fix it or let it eat away at me slowly. And this included getting over my toxic traits towards sex - because believe me, I had them.

Sex, for me, turned into how drinking did, basically. How I would drink to escape my problems, I would fuck to equally avoid them. 

For me, personally, I used to see sex as anything but intimate. In truth, I think that was down to discovering my sexuality very young. Then I had countless single years of exploring and then I started working in London and our sex life got real nasty for a sec (the good kind).

Now, I want to very quickly address something and this is that as women we do get shamed for what we do in the bedroom - no matter what we're doing. If we're boring, we are dubbed vanilla. However, if we have the experience we are a slut? 

Ladies, and gents, there's nothing wrong with living your merry little life, getting your coin and doing whatever the fuck you want to do with your body and being.

Personally, for me now, I'm bored. I've had my fun. However, a girl has needs and she isn't stupid. 

I am well aware that if I choose to have sex with a guy I can catch feelings or he can, this is why I turn them off - I can turn them back on if need be.

Listen, takes practice, kids but it's doable. Very much so, don't doubt yourself.

If you want to have casual sex with people who you are at least mentally and psychically attracted to without catching feelings then you can. 

We're all humans, sex is a need and desire. It's natural. 

If you're thinking, "what the fuck do you mean, bitch?" This is how it's done.

You communicate. Just once, but firmly.

Very simply before you even have sex (you don't have to know their life story - that's invasive) but slip in somehow that while you have sexual desires and are open to hooking up, you're not in a place (for whatever reason. They don't need to know) for anything else and you are just looking for fun.

Think of it as a verbal little contract. A promise you won't hurt each other and will be mature adults and address feelings if they should arise. 

No need to make a fuss and big deal over the fact you both want to have sex with each other. Let's be honest, it is not just guys who think about sex a lot and with different people so, therefore, we bring in respect and a little something called boundaries.

Once you have had this short chat... Then, well then you have set a boundary. 

Now, if you desperately want a boyfriend to hug your lonely heart this won't work for you I'm afraid because, sis to sis, that's therapy you likely require and I am a journalist, not a psychologist or trained therapist yet. 

This is for the women who are picky as hell but need to get laid in a healthy way which will see nobody get hurt.

So, when I say in the title of this column 'to end my hoe ways' what I mean is to end disrespecting others bodies and my own.

It doesn't mean I won't be having sex. We're having conscious and sober sex now (also open to it not being at all sober).

While this all sounds fantastic, it's why the art of communication is key because without it you have hurt feelings and a whole ton of shit.

With it, you have sex that you both enjoy and a firm boundary in place that you are like-minded and open-minded mature adults enjoying the simple and natural pleasure which is SEX!

But don't worry I'm not cold - neither are the other women out there. 

We are saving opening up and the real nasty shit for the man who turns around and says, 'No! Let's do dinner, instead?'.



Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman. 


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