Friday, 15 January 2021

Please stop asking folk why we're single, it's annoying as shit | Opinion



Every time someone asks 'why are you single?' I simply cannot help but roll my eyes back into my fucking skull.

Being single is seen as a negative but listen here, it's a blast if you take it for everything it is worth.

Growing up during my teen years and early twenties I went from partner to partner because I truly believed being in a relationship was a positive thing for me at that age.

Oh, how naive. Little did I know that what I really needed was to be single (and for a long time) before I could truly love somebody else I had to fall in love with myself - the old cliche.

Three years ago my last relationship ended and since then I have spent the time being alone, figuring out who I am and want to be, and sorting my shit show of a life out. 

But now it's been a couple of years and around six months since I got pounded, people have started asking the question, "why are you single?".

Which quite frankly, pisses me off. 

The reason it annoys me when people ask is that is because I see it like this, would you ask a person so boldly why they are jobless or childless?

You don't know why I'm single so why the hell are you asking me so boldly? 

Folks are single for lots of different reasons. Trust issues, toxic exes, domestic abuse pasts, rape victims, many of the LGTBQ+ struggle for lots of different reasons (such as coming out).

So please, be mindful.

By framing the question in this judgemental tone you also insinuate someone is less because they are without a partner and you are 'more' because you have one.

Surely to have found such a love you must have loved yourself first so you will have been single at some point, right? If not, I suggest you stop judging and projecting, focus on you.

Instead, why not ask me if I am happy? Content? Why focus on myself not having a partner as if having one is the biggest success I could have acquired?

Why am I annoyed about it? Simple. I wouldn't ask you why you're in a relationship. 

I'd meet that fact with delight and happiness that you have secured a regular shag and someone you can confide in. 

You on the other hand look at me like I'm worthless because I'm single and then when you ask, 'how long has it been?" and I say, "A couple of years" they're beady little eyes spark with fright.

And the truth is, I'm not less. I'm not lonely. If you're single, you're not less for it either. 

There's nothing wrong with being by yourself. Or in a happy committed relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. There is also nothing wrong with wanting the little ratbags.

There's nothing wrong with not agreeing with marriage. But there's also nothing wrong with being for it.

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My point is, let people live their damn lives in peace.

Stop assuming everyone wants the same thing. 

Some of us are not bothered about finding love or care for marriage, perhaps don't want to have children.

A few of us just want to move to an Island and live a simple life with many pets and if someone walks in who aligns then fantastic.

It's important to note, I do not mind people asking me why I am single if it is done in a certain manner and I'm sure many other fellow singletons will agree with me.

There is no better compliment, and I high key adore hearing it, than someone telling you they admire you because they see you living your happy little single life and it inspired them to leave a toxic partner.

I also don't mind individuals asking me for my tips on how they can learn to move on from heartbreaks or how to make the most out of being single.

Say, if someone compliments this fact and asks how to get into a positive mindset about it then I will take the time to shake your world up.

If you want to bring up the topic, this is how.

They're the kind of compliments I and many others' treasure. 

It's also important to note, that I simply adore people in relationships who know they shouldn't now look down at those who are single. They should, like we are for them, just be happy that we're on the path we want to be on.

Our worth is not dependant on having a partner and if our ability to be strong by ourselves threatens you, I hope you realise that's something you need to work on.

The concept that we must find our person to be whole needs a narrative shift. 

It promotes the idea that as humans we are not capable of life by ourselves when we are. And in this cruel world, you will suffer if your happiness depends on anyone else but yourself.

So, yes, judge my merry arse for being single if you like.

Just remember, the way you live your life isn't the fast lane for everybody. 



Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman


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