Monday, 8 February 2021

Dealing with exes calmly and cautiously: From domestic abuse to jealousy

Whatever the reason for your breakup, there is no need for toxicity towards your ex afterwards by any means.

If you are out there trying to make your former lover jealous, enraged, upset, it's sick and in complete honesty, it is evil so quit it. No matter how bad they may have wronged you it does not make it right.

That door is closed. Move on. Go and find better, stop returning to your past and causing a storm for no real reason other than an injured ego.

Harsh but true. You deserve better instead of letting people who have hurt you affect your whole life as you seek pitiful revenge. 

If you disturbingly find yourself on the other end of the scale and have a crazy ex-girlfriend/boyfriend gunning for you, please remember it is not your fault they are a monster.

Appallingly many decide that choosing the path of being toxic following a split is the new 'cute'. It's not. You know what is cute, someone who considers others' feelings.

For whatever reason it may be that you now have a toxic ex disturbing your peace, it really never is your fault. That is who that person is. 

Perhaps one of the harshest life lessons you can ever be taught - and we hope it never happens to you - is discovering that sometimes the ones we adore the most turn out to be the most terrifying nightmares of all.

To any of our readers who have fallen for these mother fuckers' wicked charm, you are not a mindreader. You are not a psychic. You are not a psychologist. 

You were someone who saw the best in one of Earth's most deadly monsters, the manipulator. 

While throughout February on VavaViolet.com it is being filled with content on love, dating and sex to celebrate Valentines Day it's important we highlight the issues people face in relationships too.

All holidays police see a rise in domestic violence and abuse. Valentines included. 

So if you find yourself cowering from an ex or a partner you wish to leave, here's how to deal with them calmly, cautiously and legally. 

We hope you never have to use the following advice.

If you are a victim, please remember there is no excuse for abuse. 

There is no reason for another human being to lay their hand on you violently or use their words to withdraw you from your soul and being by beating you down emotionally.

None of the horror going on is your fault, you deserve freedom and you're going to get it.

Here's what you can do...

Gather as much evidence as you can of this person carrying out their abusive behaviours. 

Do not put yourself in harm's way to get it if it is too risky, only if it feels safe and you know you won't get caught - especially if they're especially evil or violent or you predict they could be.

Keep print screens, record your phone calls and keep backups of everything and in different places. It sounds awfully dramatically and frightening but people have died after toxic partners have got their claws too far in.

Women and men die every single day at the hands of a partner or loved one.

So fuck it, keep a memory card at yours, one at a loved one you trust and take your abuser the fuck down legally with everything you've got and with as much evidence as you can possibly gather. 

There are charities and organisations linked below who and will help you do this.

The police can also work with you privately and secretly to gather evidence.

Evidence is key especially if you have kids/are married and can predict a looming court battle or you want a restraining order etc.  

You need to prove to the court this person's malice intentions and how you will quite literally not be safe unless the law gets involved. 

If you have a friend in an abusive relationship, we recommend you gather evidence as well and be kind to them if they keep going back. It's harder than you can ever imagine.

And do not EVER delete your evidence. Take it to the grave with you. This kind of folk have a habit of coming back or doubting others' potential so keep your ammo close.

In the UK we recommend reaching out to Call Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline if you yourself feel trapped or want advice on how to save a loved one.

They provide free and confidential advice, 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. 

Visit the helpline website to access further information, a contact form and the live chat service. If you are in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police.

We send you all of our strength if you find yourself here right now. There is light, please make that call somewhere safe when you're alone, please for your sake.

To be brutally and perhaps a tad cold, the best way to deal with an ex who has cheated on you or carried out a full-blown affair is to leave them in the past.

They cheated on you because they were being frightfully selfish at your expense and you deserve somebody better and who is more suited for you.

Don't let their shabby ego, moronic morals and disgusting act of portrayal affect your outlook on love.

It wasn't love which hurt you, it was somebody who didn't know how to love you, not love itself. 

Therefore, the solution to the problem of dealing with them is to try your absolute hardest to move on from the situation gracefully. 

This means not throwing hate their way, choosing not to be bitter and moving on with your life away from them.

Talk to yourself in the mirror every day if you have to and remind yourself of all of the reasons why you can not go back and why reacting in an appalling manner towards the situation and them will only degrade you.

It will be an emotional time so the wisest thing to do is remove them from social media and off your phone.

Doesn't have to be forever, just until you have healed, in peace.

Perhaps you have a former flame who keeps coming back to try to make you jealous and manipulate you.

It happens, odd characters. Very bizarre hobby to choose to partake in during your spare time.

There is no point dealing with these individuals and as preached before, it's wise to just walk away without rising to their toxic ways.

You do not need to go there.

Start by ignoring everything they say and do, block them out in real life and over the big old wide web.

Don't let them trick you into correcting them and getting emotional as they want this to happen and for you to explode as they want to seek out your weaknesses and use them against you.

But simply, the best strategy with these type of exes is to completely and utterly ban them from being in your little world. They are not friends to be had. 

They do not deserve to be in your future, even as pals.

To end this article on a good note, let's address how to keep the peace with an ex who you are keen to keep a friendship with or to regain it one day once you have both fully healed.

Being real honest, this should be normalised. It's odd we have a general mindset that exes are all toxic and should be left behind.

Perhaps it's you sadly just dating the wrong people continuously or this once. Not everyone you shall meet is a dick head (sadly most are).

There is nothing wrong with remaining friends with an ex. It's actually rather lovely as sometimes, just sometimes, relationships break down but that doesn't mean your respect and love for that person has to become toxic.

For some exes, if you genuinely care for one another and it tragically hasn't worked out romantically then communicate with one another - and your future partners - and be adults.

Especially the case if you find yourself in the same friendship group which is quite common these days. 

Respect one another and remember that you once loved one another and while it may have died, you can still keep it classy and have the odd joke.

Everybody has an ex. It doesn't always mean there is a horrible story behind why they went their separate ways.

It's actually how it should be.

How do you keep things amicable with an ex? You communicate, give each other plenty of space and you set boundaries. And, of course, do not, under any circumstances, sleep together!

All you need is one brief conversation of where you're at and what you feel comfortable with. Then you leave it alone.

If you're meant to be friends instead, you will be. You will bump into them out and it will be a happy occasion in a way because while this person isn't part of your life or future anymore, you still wish each other the absolute best.

And what's a better outcome than that?



Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman


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