Sunday, 18 April 2021

The smarter I get, the less I want or need to fall in love | Opinion

Love can be both heartbreaking and beautiful and I am realistic yet still optimistic about it however, I don't particularly care nor want or need it.

The truth is, and it's the same for a lot of women, the wiser I get and the more knowledge I absorb, the less I want romance consuming or coming into my life.

I feel it's best that way in order to protect, of course, myself and my heart but there's something a lot more important to me that I feel so profound to guard against even something which could ultimately turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me - and after speaking to fellow female hustlers and women who's intelligence I admire, I quickly realised this is the downside to being a smart arse or becoming one.

You see, in truth, I have only been in actual love once as I genuinely don't open up deeply to people a lot so on the rare occasion I do, I do fall very hard and if the universe decides that's not the one, it's almost as if I shit my brain out as I fumble around putting my pieces back together.

Breakups I get over by the next day, but love, that's too costly for me and many women, for one reason: Heartbreak can destroy our creative and emotional intelligence for a moment.

Personally, it completely bulldozes it. Removes all spark, wit and brilliance from the creative side of my brain and this means, I can't write or pull on my imagination when I'm broken-hearted. 

And so, for four years now it has been easier to grow and expand my mind in areas I never thought I could as I put how honestly lonely I felt at the time to the very back of my head and focused on myself. 

Four years later and my perception of love is entirely different - as it should be with age and growth naturally. 

You see, as I'd spent so much time alone I became extremely comfortable with my own company. So much so, in truth, I now know the only person I need is myself. 

Having so many years single also means I all of a sudden understand things I once dreamed of as I choose to spend it dedicating to reading up on things I would like to know about. 

From the stock market, humanitarian crisis' around the world, spiritually, religions, philosophy, and heck, I've started diving into maths and numbers are starting to make sense as I work on opening up the academic side of my mind because I have things I want to do and to get shit done, I need maths and science on my side.

I'm also completely aware I know absolutely nothing about anything really, I am far from a genius however I will continue to learn every single day for the rest of my life as I believe, as humans we should. Education does not stop at 18. Freedom begins and you can educate yourself on what you want.

At the start of this article, I mentioned how I wasn't alone in my findings that as my brain develops 1) naturally with age and 2) with wisdom and education, I, and many women, lose interest in starting family's and finding love.

As it is an opinion piece let's get some statistics going up in here, shall we?

Funnily enough, in my findings, I found one of the biggest factors for high-achieving and intelligent women lacking success in the area of love is down to the delicacy of the male ego - not shocked nor surprised, to be frank. 

One study I came across, conducted by Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, and published in August 2015, did confirm the tendency that intelligent women have difficulty in finding a romantic partner. 

Scientists reported that the leading reason for this was that men felt "less masculine" when they were in a room with women who had noticeably higher IQs than themselves. 

Ladies in the study underwent initial evaluation in which their level of intelligence was assessed. Afterwards, the men were then invited to evaluate how attracted they were to the woman in the research. 

The women who had a higher result on the intelligence test were found "less attractive" by the men than the ladies who had lower scores. 

In conclusion to this study (you can read it here), scientists who participated in its research concluded that when targets were psychologically near, men showed less attraction toward women who could or were outsmarting them.

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A few years after in 2018, while speaking to Jenna Birch at Psychology Today, lead researcher Lora Park, a professor in psychology at University at Buffalo recalled to the publication what happened when the men realised the woman was smarter than them when face to face. 

"When the woman was psychologically near — a real-life face-to-face interaction — men moved their chair further away from the woman, as an indicator of less interest in her, and reported less romantic attraction toward the woman when she outperformed versus underperformed him on a test," Park said.

To be honest, I've never been the kind of woman who walks in the room and has the lads gushing - which is fine by me as the attention makes me feel physically sick - so to discover my brain potentially also turns them off actually sounds like a positive to me. 

Perhaps this means as most men aren't into me it will naturally weed out the weak ones leaving me someone who can hold a weird yet wonderful conversation over coffee or I could die with masses of dogs around me. Either sounds rather lovely by this point.

Another reason I've grown out of loving love so much is I seem to attract very toxic men despite having a warm heart, a good head on my shoulders and power in my confidence.

Again, I predicted this was because they saw a challenge in me, perhaps something too tame for this instance I seem to attract the odd lunatic. And tragically, as the majority of us do, and in all honesty, of course, one fears ending up in a domestic abusive or violent relationship.

My fear of this has been ablaze since a young child so I taught myself from a very young age how to spot folk who are coming into my life to cause me harm.

Sadly, the studies came through and proved my theory right. I and a lot of my female friends and women I admire are high targets for narcissistic men who enjoy preying on powerful women.

HuffPost columnist, founder and CEO of Date Like a Grownup, Bobbi Palmer explained: "It's a common misperception that these men go for weak women; it's quite the opposite — these pathologically self-centred guys want a strong woman who has a lot to give."

They want to rinse off us and our energy, basically. 

Palmer has dedicated years of her life and her life mission to coaching hundreds of women through breaking the pattern of attracting - and actively choosing - toxic men as romantic partners. 

Something I myself have struggled with in the past. Now I just want to be alone or have someone to enjoy my peace with me however to my fellow smart arse ladies out there, listen up because these next points are a warning of exactly why you too should break this pattern and avoid these evil bastards. 

A fascinating article I read on this issue is titled 'Why narcissists prey on intelligent people' by the managing director at Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd, Melanie Tonia Evans.

Evans is an expert in the field of narcissistic abuse recovery and self-empowerment and has been helping men and women survive abuse since 2007. She's remarkable and a force to be reckoned with, in honesty. 

In the article, she states that "intelligent people have more to offer in the way of stimulus and interest, and generally have achieved and/or are capable of thinking up solutions and being resilient when dealing with the narcissists' disasters for them – all of which is attractive to narcissists".

Scarily, the smarter you are the greater your imagination and as Evans writes: "Being really intelligent means that we are more capable of thinking up justifications, even elaborate ones to dismiss our inner voice.

"We can supply ourselves with incredible powerful winning debates from our heads to get our way – of how we would like things to be."

It is also very important to note that the reason you're being targeted isn't necessarily down to your intelligence but more because you are very likely, as Evans states, a smart arse with unhealed wounds being controlled by your clever old unconscious mind to fill voids. 

Use your intelligence to fill other voids, is what I would recommend and what I did for years proving if you work on your self-development you can truly learn how to pick up on signs of narcissists and live a life created entirely by the energy you approve of as you are more than comfortable being alone.

Interestingly enough it is also very, very well known that it is rare to find an intelligent happy person - due to spiralling thoughts and overthinking - so the best thing you can do is learn how to turn your mindset into a conscious state - ideally by seeking therapy to learn cognitive behaviours.

Hence why, a lot of us are stepping back, diving deep into our intuition and choosing peace over romance. 

Hell yeah, it's lonely but it's beautifully peaceful!

Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman


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