Monday, 1 November 2021

Let successful & strong women date who they want without judgement | Editor's Letter

If you're a single high-achieving woman, your love life is likely a shit show. Whether it's because you intimate men by merely being you or are dubbed a "settler" for falling for someone who isn't a "hustler", you just can't win. 

It sounds very egotistic to deem one's self as "successful" and "strong", but I am, and success is whatever it means to you. For me, it means being content with who I am and the life I've created for myself that has given me the freedom to be myself. 

I'm aware dubbing myself such things as a woman will have some rolling eyes (none would bat an eyelid if I was a businessman). However, I've got a lot to say on this subject, and someone needs to spit it out. 

Some of us - quite a lot actually from conversations I've had with fellow businesswomen - are bloody sick of people commenting on our dating lives and partners. 

Predominantly we are annoyed by the fact others think they know what's best for us. When really, it is patronising as most of us know damn well what we are doing. 

I am fed up with showing pictures of people I'm dating to others for the first question to be, "what's their occupation?". What does it matter?

Followed by, "how much do they make in a year?" and that ugly judgemental look you get back when the person you are dating doesn't meet that person's requirements.

Because that's what it comes down to, it's not that you don't think they're good enough for me, you wouldn't date them, and you're projecting the fact you judge on someone's 'status' instead of who they are.

Had you asked if they make me howl with laughter at my phone, if they make me feel sexy and support my busy day without being a nuisance, you would see why I like who I've dated over the years so much? 

Sure, they can't buy me a Louis, but they can make me laugh until Coke Zero spurts out at them across the table and comes out of my nose as we lose ourselves in laughter. 

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It's rather sad, actually, but for some reason, a man in particular (doesn't seem to apply to women so much) working a job to get by in his twenties, has receding hair or is under six-foot is apparently the worse thing the male species can do to us. But, I'd like to remind you, it's not. 

And none of those things should make people "undateable". Absolutely nobody is such a thing. It's a horribly cruel remark to make.

Let's take a second to imagine if men walked around saying, 'I only date women who make £40K+', 'Women over 6'0ft are undateable', 'women with short hair need to get a hair transplant', we'd be fucking outraged! 

Yet all I see on Tinder is insecure lads putting their height as the first thing in their bio or wearing a cap in every picture. 

So, yeah, I would date the funny guy who is nowhere near 6'0ft and makes pennies but hits my G-spot every time and never fails to make me laugh or feel loved. Doing so does not make me, or you, a "settler".

It annoys me so much because I was an' outcast' before losing seven stone, dying my hair blonde, and starting two businesses. I was dubbed 'lazy'. No one looked for anything in me, although I was still the same kind, caring woman I am today. 

That never changed. The only thing that changed in society's eye is that I became more 'dateable'. And it's sickening; the whole concept of 'pretty privilege and 'the power of wealth' is gross. 

I've been humbled enough in my lifetime to know you should NEVER judge a book by its cover or materials - you look for who they are, not what they do for money. 

I recently discussed this conversation with a like-minded friend over cocktails. We joked - but were being deadly serious - that we are A-Okay being the 'sugar mumma' type.

The phrase alone makes me cringe, thus a joke, but in seriousness, being the breadwinner doesn't bother me even slightly.

Suppose it was socially acceptable for a date to be like a job interview (which, I wish it was). In that case, I'd ask shit like, 'how do you feel about being a stay at home dad?'.

However, it's not okay and would be a strange question for me to chuck into the conversation so rapidly. Still, in those situations, I really want to say that my love life isn't driven by what you can do finically for me. 

It's whether you can be there to support and help me grow in other ways. Can you make me a better person? Forget bank accounts and money; can you add to my happiness? 

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- I'm going to embrace how 'annoying' I am, you should too | Editor's Letter

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Over here, we do not mix business and pleasure. I don't want a love interest who is also a business partner. I want escapism. 

We all need an escape. For mine, I'd like to go on humble and relaxing dog walks on a Sunday, do the small things like cuddle and have sex all day, and laugh as if it's all life is about. 

Businessmen I've tried to date turn a nose straight up at the idea of such a "boring" Sunday. So, that and the fact fancy restaurants make me feel highly uncomfortable unless I have my 'business head' on me (I'd prefer a Five Guys) make for a terrible date for Soph.

The thing is, I have been purposely single for over four years now. I have not settled; yes, I've been played and had my heart broken in that time, but I have not got into a relationship that had no happy future, and I wouldn't.

Nonetheless, the men I am interested in seem to be put off by "success", intimidated by a somewhat "smart mouth" woman, and threatened by an attitude, that like theirs, gives no fucks. 

The women I hit on or date don't seem to have a problem with it. 

As I've written about here (The smarter I get, the less I want or need to fall in love | Opinion) as a woman, the wiser you get it is scientifically proven it will be harder to find a good match.

So, ladies and gentlemen, perhaps you should look further than looks and status. 

Especially if you are a smart arse because you're only screwing yourself over.

As I said, only a fool judges by a cover. Some of the smartest people I know don't earn six figures as life to them is more about being present and enjoying memories. 

Status means fuck all, character, however, is everything!

I bring this up for my Editor's Letter for November because it is cuffing season. Once again, as I'm sure it has for the fellow singletons reading, endless dating questions have appeared in conversations.

From the classic, "have you got a date for Christmas?" to emails from Winter Wonderland reminding you you're alone for another festive period, it can get a little much.

My answer when people ask is the same as it has been for the past four years, there's no rush, and a boyfriend/girlfriend is not just for Christmas, so leave us singletons the hell alone!!

We have plenty of articles coming on the subject this month to help us all get through this gruelling part of the festive period.

As always, we hope you have a fantastic November, and we will see you soon for Life Coach Jadie White's latest column (and it's one you certainly won't want to miss).

Written by VavaViolet's Founder & Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman


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