Sunday 26 May 2024

The more clever I get, the less I want or need to fall in love | Opinion

The truth is, and it's the same for many women, the wiser I get and the more knowledge I absorb, the less I want romance consuming or coming into my life - and it is getting "worse" the wiser I become. I put that in quotes as to some it seems negative, to me it feels freeing.

The idea of falling in love sounds wonderful, it does. Still, there's something a lot more important to me that I would choose even over ultimately the best thing that could ever happen to me - and after speaking to fellow female hustlers and women whose intelligence I admire, I quickly realised this is the downside to being a smart arse or becoming one - I would put my career before a lover.

You see, in truth, I have only been in actual love twice as I genuinely don't open up deeply to people a lot, so on the rare occasion I do, I do fall very hard, and if the universe decides that's not the one, it's almost as if I shit my brain out as I fumble around putting my pieces back together.

Breakups I get over by the next day, but love, that's too costly for me and many women for one reason: Heartbreak can momentarily destroy our creative and emotional intelligence. It wreaked havoc on mine for a year or more the last time I fell out of love!

Personally, it completely bulldozes my mind. Removes all spark, wit and brilliance from the creative side of my brain, which means I can't write or pull on my imagination when I'm broken-hearted. 

And so, for a little over a year now, it has been easier to grow and expand my mind in areas I never thought I could, as I put how honestly lonely I felt at the time to the very back of my head and focused on myself. 

I will admit that last year, my one of solitude, was the loneliest and the darkest year of my life, but it has led me to what is quickly becoming the best light I have ever seen. I feel like, in all honesty, after a rough childhood, I was born in a house of flames (I call it hell). I am finally, for the first time, standing on the other side of the gate of hell.

I can taste, smell, feel and see freedom. Finally.

My perception of love is entirely different from what it was last year - as it should be with age and growth naturally. 

As I'd spent so much time alone, I became extremely comfortable with my company. So much so, in truth, I now know the only person I need is myself. 

Being single for so many years means I need a needy-not-needy partner. Someone affectionate, caring and kind, but also a Busy Boy! Like I am a Lively Lady!

During my year off, I decided to fill my brain with crap to distract myself. I have even started diving into maths from the stock market, global humanitarian crises, spirituality, religions, philosophy, and heck. Numbers are starting to make sense as I work on opening up the academic side of my mind because I have things I want to do, and to get shit done, I need maths and science on my side. 

My school and academic years were easy for me; admittedly, I took little thought or care to the matter of my education other than the following subjects: English Literature, English Language, Critical Thinking, Law, Media Studies, Art, IT, and I saw PE as "play/clown time". I got A's and above in those; however, in maths and science - I failed and still have yet to pass to this day!

I want A stars in both, and I will retake them, Mr Modi and Mrs Fellows, until I do (both old teachers I LOVED and respected, although I have always been a challenge to handle). 

I'm also humbly aware that I know absolutely nothing about anything. I am far from a genius (although my ego sometimes screams it); however, I will continue to learn daily for the rest of my life as I believe, as humans, we should. 

Education does not stop at 18. Freedom begins, and you can educate yourself on what you want.

It is important to note that the brain develops 1) naturally with age and 2) with wisdom and education. 

I, and many women, lose interest in starting families and finding love if the news or books are more intensely interesting - this is why we are mating less; it is also why the patriarchy HATES an intelligent woman, and Gosh forbid if she has got it going on as well! 

As it is an opinion piece, let's get some statistics involved.

Funnily enough, in my findings, I found one of the most significant factors for high-achieving and intelligent women lacking success in love is the delicacy of the male ego - not shocked nor surprised, to be frank. 

One study I came across, conducted by Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin and published in August 2015, confirms the tendency of intelligent women to have difficulty finding a romantic partner. 

Scientists reported that the leading reason for this was that men felt "less masculine" when they were in a room with women who had noticeably higher IQs than themselves. 

The ladies in the study underwent an initial evaluation, during which their level of intelligence was assessed. Afterwards, the men were invited to evaluate their attractiveness to the women.

The women with a higher result on the intelligence test were found "less attractive" by the men than the ladies with lower scores. 

In conclusion to this study (you can read it here), scientists who participated in its research concluded that when targets were psychologically near, men showed less attraction toward women who could or were outsmarting them.

A few years later, in 2018, while speaking to Jenna Birch at Psychology Today, lead researcher Lora Park, a professor in psychology at the University at Buffalo, recalled to the publication what happened when the men realised the women were more intelligent than them when face to face. 

"When the woman was psychologically near — a real-life face-to-face interaction — men moved their chair further away from the woman, as an indicator of less interest in her, and reported less romantic attraction toward the woman when she outperformed versus underperformed him on a test," Park said.

I've never been the kind of woman who walks in the room and has the lads gushing (until I open my smart and hilarious mouth) - which is fine by me as the attention makes me feel physically sick - so to discover my brain potentially also turns them off sounds like a positive to me. 

Perhaps this means as most men aren't into me, it will naturally weed out the weak ones, leaving me someone who can hold a weird yet wonderful conversation over coffee, or I could die with masses of dogs around me. Either sounds rather lovely by this point.

Another reason I've grown out of loving love so much is I seem to attract very toxic men despite having a warm heart, a good head on my shoulders and power in my confidence.

Again, I predicted this was because they saw a challenge in me, perhaps something too tame, and for this instance, I seem to attract the odd lunatic. And tragically, as the majority of us do, and in all honesty, of course, one fears ending up in a domestic abusive or violent relationship.

My fear of this has been ablaze since I was a young child, so I taught myself from a very young age how to spot folk who are coming into my life to cause me harm, or so I had thought. 

Anyone can wear a mask. Anyone can be in a disguise. Stay safe, everybody, stay aware!

Sadly, the studies came through and proved my theory right. I and a lot of my female friends and women I admire are high targets for narcissistic men who enjoy preying on powerful women.

HuffPost columnist, founder and CEO of Date Like a Grownup, Bobbi Palmer explained: "It's a common misperception that these men go for weak women; it's quite the opposite — these pathologically self-centred guys want a strong woman who has a lot to give."

They want to rinse off us, and our energy is the gist. 

Palmer has dedicated years of her life and mission to coaching hundreds of women through breaking the pattern of attracting - and actively choosing - toxic men as romantic partners. 

Something I have struggled with in the past. Now, I want to be alone or have someone to enjoy my peace with me; however, to my fellow smart-arse ladies out there, listen up because these following points are a warning of exactly why you, too, should break this pattern and avoid these evil bastards. 

A fascinating article I read on this issue is titled 'Why narcissists prey on intelligent people' by the managing director at Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd, Melanie Tonia Evans.

Evans is an expert in the field of narcissistic abuse recovery and self-empowerment and has been helping men and women survive abuse since 2007. She's remarkable and a force to be reckoned with, in honesty. 

In the article, she states that "intelligent people have more to offer in the way of stimulus and interest, and generally have achieved and are capable of thinking up solutions and being resilient when dealing with the narcissists' disasters for them – all of which is attractive to narcissists".

Scarily, the wiser you are, the greater your imagination. I say scary because imagine what evil minds are like. Really and truly imagine it for the fright of your life! (I recommend the book series 'Talking with a Serial Killer' by Journalist Christopher Berry-Dee to get an in-depth insight into how these evil people work, how to spot them, and most crucial, how to avoid them).

Evans writes: "Being really intelligent means that we are more capable of thinking up justifications, even elaborate ones, to dismiss our inner voice.

"We can supply ourselves with incredible powerful winning debates from our heads to get our way – of how we would like things to be."

It is also essential to note that the reason you're being targeted isn't necessarily down to your intelligence but more because you are very likely, as Evans states, an intelligent arse with unhealed wounds being controlled by your clever old unconscious mind to fill voids. 

I suggest using your intelligence to fill other voids, and this is what I did for years, proving if you work on your self-development, you can truly learn how to pick up on signs of narcissists and live a life created entirely by the energy you approve of as you are more than comfortable being alone.

Interestingly enough, it is also very, very well known that it is rare to find an intelligent, happy person - due to spiralling thoughts and overthinking - so the best thing you can do is learn how to turn your mindset into a conscious state - ideally by seeking therapy to understand cognitive behaviours.

Hence, many of us are stepping back, diving deep into our intuition, and choosing peace over romance. 

Hell yeah, it's lonely, but it's beautifully peaceful!

Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman


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