Getting over a breakup and growing from it are two very different things - one will help you move on much quicker. Overcoming any separation comes with patience and time and is uncontrollable. However, growing from it is in your control, and you can start now.
When we go through a bad breakup (or any split, including divorce), it has a massive knock-on effect on the rest of our lives, mainly our nervous system, knocking our emotions out of whack. Our confidence, self-belief, and egos suddenly sway negatively towards our outlook on life.
The fresh pain of heartbreak will have you forgetting who you are, your worth and where you're going. Instead, if you let it, it will have you standing still in time. It is easy to sit on the edge of your bed, staring at the wall, pondering, "Oh, what could have been?"
It couldn't have been shit; it's over, now let's get you back up standing!
Here's the trick to breakups: you're looking at the situation/circumstance wrong. And that's that; here's the rest!
To grow from a breakup, you must switch your mindset as quickly as you can. Breakups at first seem like the worst thing in the world, right? Incorrect!
You would not have broken up if you were aligned with this person! You would have resolved whatever issue and continued being tongue-tied Twin Flames. If it were supposed to happen, it would have. If they wanted to stay, they would. They didn't, or you didn't, and now we are here, and life for you and them must continue for both your mental health and beautiful future.
So, think of it this way: this is a favour from the universe, a door opening that you can't yet see past the tears/confused state. Your former love or yourself have removed themselves so you can find something or someone better, and the best is always next to walk in.
Remember, the right people will walk into your life at the right moment; when you are most aligned with yourself and are in a peaceful state of duality, your friends and those who will love you until your last breathe no matter the dire or dull history will pray for your safe arrival to the next world! People will stay in your life, the ones who are supposed to, that is.
While experiencing trauma of any kind, as many psychologists have said and my therapist likes to remind me, we make up realities in our heads.
Let me tell you something: if you think, "My world is over," following a breakup, that thought is not reality. It's not real. Your world isn't over. It's just a thought that only exists in your mind. Isn't that wild? So simple yet so true! By simply going and painting a canvas or jotting down a poem, you are expanding your world; you are stepping away from the burning one you left behind. You are growing from your pain and making something beautiful from its ashes; you can create art; thus, you can cause life again.
It must register that a breakup is not your entire life. It was a chapter. It's now come to an end, and the part of the book where you get back up has come.
Bring your mindset back to what you are grateful for every time you feel it turning dark (this will help you balance duality, the key to keeping the peace and love). Something authentic about the human mind for almost everyone is that what we focus on improves. Please pay close attention to where you need to heal (intuition, listen to your body and mind, and follow its demands for what it needs and when).
Instead of centring your mind on the negatives of the breakup, see the rewards. Focus on the good that has come from it - because there is likely more good than bad.
Drown that negative mindset over your breakup. Murder it with gratitude. Make room for what is to come.
The next lesson is self-control; Mmm hmm, I struggle too!
Self-respect can not be manifested without self-control; only when you respect yourself can you grow.
Working on the skill of self-control will help you save yourself in the future before you even get damaged.
If you're heartbroken or hurting, improving this skill will ease a suffering heart and open your life up to many opportunities - and no, I'm not just talking about your love life.
How the fuck do I learn such a thing? You ask?
While possible, it is not easy as it doesn't come naturally to us, so we must train it.
According to a study by the American Psychological Association, "training self-control through repeated practice does not result in generalised improvements in self-control."
And bizarrely, that's step one to improving the skill. Stop beating yourself up for your lack of self-control. Bullying yourself is the opposite of having control; self-respect is self-earned when you treat yourself highly, like royalty.
Disciplined people were not born walking like a crown sits on one's head (well, some were). Most you will ever meet who has self-respect and self-control had to pay dearly for it - and you will, too.
The second you realise that the critical factors are patience and kindness towards yourself, you will welcome self-control and respect into your life.
To do this, one must avoid temptations. Block them or mute them. Go to places for a while where you won't bump into them. Keep them on social media if you must, but don't look (restrict access, remove them from close friends, etc).
Causing yourself pain by looking is only disrespecting yourself. Having the self-control to stop looking means you can focus on your priorities and decisions that matter more than what your ex is doing.
Another way to build the skill is to measure it. My therapist told me, "What gets measured gets managed," and it's true.
Monitoring your progress will keep you chasing your goals, and you will, over time, become an expert in your behaviour, meaning you can manage it and gain self-control.
You can also up your self-control by looking at how you deal with stress.
Of course, understandably, breakups are incredibly stressful, so you must look and hold yourself accountable for how you handle the situation.
It is perfectly okay to cry your fucking eyes out for a few days. I wouldn't take that away from you, but there comes a time when you must deal with the stress of it all differently.
When you look after yourself, your emotions are more in control. A lack of eating, exercise, and sleep will all make you feel more stressed than you are.
My next point for self-control is learning how to prioritise things.
Set daily to-do lists, but don't go crazy. Be kind to yourself; slow steps first. There are two things to consider, but focus on them and make them the best you can with the available energy.
Forgiving yourself every single time is also critical.
Every time you fail, you must forgive yourself. Failing is part of life. It is part of trying. That relationship that didn't work - forgive yourself.
When you beat yourself up, it achieves fuck all. It truly achieves nothing, and it never will. So quit wasting valuable energy - it's crumbling away at your self-respect.
One of my favourite things to do after a breakup - which now gets me rather excited when something ends - is that I know it's now my time to put on a show for myself.
Sounds sinister. Am I enjoying breakups? It's not that I appreciate things coming to an end as such, but I know it just means something better is coming. I know wasting my time being upset over someone who could walk away so easily only hurts me - not them - also, what the fuck, one of the top shaggers in the world?? Are you doing OK?? Do you Google "Sophie Blackman" far too often?? I will never judge; it is fair enough!!
One thing leads to another once you master your self-control and mindset. I got verified on Google a few days after my last breakup, and then I was A, OK.
The last point is mainly for the ladies and transwomen amongst us; protect your Yoni always (your vagina/womb). Only if they worship can they have the delightful pleasure of your intimate aura!
And remember, this new chapter has brought fresh freedom. That's what a breakup/divorce has gifted you. It's removed someone who didn't have their best interests anymore, and now you have room for people who will.
So, put on the best show of your life. Discover yourself and others. Only then will you attract what you deserve.
Written by VavaViolet's Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Sophie Blackman.
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